from quarter-life crisis to new life paths: a year in review

You know how they say that most people end up doing something different than what they graduated in? Though I knew it was probably true to some degree, I thought they said that to make us feel better. Or how when you ask someone to describe how they got to where they are now there's often a sense of awe like they have to really think "how did this happen?!" I thought that was partially false too. How could you not know? How could every next step be a complete surprise?

Around a year ago when I graduated but didn't continue on to grad school I quite literally hit a dead end in my life plans. It shook me up more than I let on and for a long time I went through the motions of life with no sense of direction. Getting pregnant? That was definitely an unexpected thought that once it entered my mind could not be left alone. Even then getting so involved in birth research that I now plan to teach childbirth classes was a complete fluke. In other words, I am proof that life does take completely unexpected turns that you don't plan on and no I really didn't see any of that coming.

Let's talk about dead ends for a minute. For my LDS friends, you've probably seen that Mormon Message where Elder Holland describes an outing with his grandpa where in driving back home they were both prompted to take the left fork when it turned out to be a dead end. The question young Holland asks is why were we prompted to go the wrong way? Holland then reflects and teaches:

"Sometimes in response to prayers, the Lord may guide us down what seems to be the wrong road—or at least a road we don’t understand—so, in due time, He can get us firmly and without question on the right road. Of course, He would never lead us down a path of sin, but He might lead us down a road of valuable experience."

Suddenly this analogy makes way more sense to me. I loved psychology and did enjoy doing research and writing papers, but it wasn't necessarily a passion and certainly not something I was thinking about all the time. I honestly felt like I should pursue a grad degree, which naively I also thought it meant I would get in and continue right after graduation. I had to hit a dead end and let that dream die before I was willing to consider another path. Looking back, I'm not sure I had the stamina to continue school and I don't think I loved it enough to be able to love it when grad school would have inevitably gotten hard and probably even sucked from time to time. Finally realizing I'm leaving this dream and this plan behind, quite possibly never to return, makes me a little sad. Kind of like how when I chose between dance classes and piano lessons as a kid, I quite tearfully gave up my life long dreams of being a ballerina when I grew up. Both were meant to be (apparently) and for the better (to be realized later), but it's still sad to finally be letting go of something I held onto and told myself would happen for so long.

Why am I rambling about all of this? I think I'm realizing more and more that life isn't like Candy Land where you simply move spaces until you reach the ice cream castle. Even if you had to go back a few spaces, the game path was always clear and always the same. Instead, where we end up and how we get there is probably more like the game of Sorry where as a blue game piece we often get bumped around and suddenly find ourselves in the home base of green. But if the plan were so obvious there would be no element of trust or guidance. Mortality wouldn't be a time of probation, but a test of how well we can play Simon Says. Logically it makes sense, but there are some things we don't quite grasp until we experience them enough to internalize it.

Quite simply I am grateful to compare now vs. a year ago and see the stark difference between being in despair about what my life would become, and now about to welcome our daughter into the world and actually having a vague career plan that both includes both being mom and something I care about/can feasibly do. Hopefully I can remember all this the next time I have a quarter life crisis and need some perspective and patience.