I'm finally enjoying being a mom

Let me just say(write) it out loud: NEWBORNS ARE HARD. Sure, the first little while they sleep all day long and you can go anywhere with them in your carrier while they ignore the world, but then they wake up to their surroundings and don't know how to cope. 

For us (and Lyla), month two was the hardest. Suddenly she didn't go to sleep easily and I became housebound while I spent most of my day trying to get her to sleep, essentially by putting on a circus show of things. My arms and back ached from bouncing her and holding her for every nap and my soul felt like the weight of new motherhood had been suddenly dropped on my shoulders. Evenings were spent with a couple hours of crying/screaming till she was so exhausted she fell asleep. These were the days I cried the most, felt alone, and wondered if it would ever end. People said it would get better, but honestly I didn't know how I could believe them. 

Then we hit three months and she turned into more of a cute little human child and less of a crying fussy mess I had to endure. Now she could be awake for almost an hr! Now she would take 15-20mins to fall asleep instead of an hour! Now we could start to think about leaving the house and seeing other humans! Now she started rolling, singing, and playing with toys! 

Momming will never be easy, but no longer do I stare at the window praying for the day to end. We enjoy going on little errands together, rolling around on her play mat, and sitting outside watching the traffic go by. I still don't do much in the way of housework, and hobbies won't happen anytime soon, but I feel like I can breathe again. I feel a little bit more like myself (also helps that I'm no longer the bloated dairy cow I was after giving birth). I've always enjoyed my baby girl, but now I'm enjoying the day with her too. 

I used to glare at anyone who said it, but it does get better. It's ok if the newborn days weigh you down to your breaking point, like they did to me. It's ok if you just cry at everyones' advice because you know your baby better and right now it might just be hard no matter what. Cling to any source of hope and help you can. This too shall pass, I promise. 

"it gets easier." i hope.

*Disclaimer: I need to be real and candid right now because there have so many times when talking to people that I wasn't. I usually try to stay positive in my posts, but the reality is that I'm not always positive and some days just suck. I don't want people to take pity on me and I don't want to be seen as complaining, just real. We're doing ok, I promise, I just need to get a few things off my chest.*

I love when people ask about my baby and how we're doing. I agree when people comment on how she's so cute and she's gotten so big. But the narrative inside my head is completely different from what I tell them.

How's she doing? Things have gotten better, I'll say. And it's true! We no longer spend 2hrs trying to get her to sleep in the evening, there's less screaming and crying over all, and she has really happy smiley moments when she's awake. But what I don't say is that I still hold her for all her naps (approx. 5-6 hrs a day, sometimes as long as 3.5hrs at once) and often end up in bed with her by 7:30pm. I don't mention that I often get frustrated with the 45 mins it takes me to get her to sleep, only to have her wake up 20 minutes later. I also don't tell you that we never leave the house because 45 mins after she wakes up she's tired again which isn't much time to do anything other than feed us both, change a diaper, and maybe shower or have a bit of tummy time. You see, she no longer falls asleep in the car, stroller, sling, etc. The one way that works is bouncing on an exercise ball by a fan for white noise while making "shh"ing sounds. This set up is clearly not available at the store, at church, or even other people's houses. 

How's she sleeping? Is she sleeping through the night? No. She wakes up around 4 times. But to me, this is normal for a baby her age. It hardly phases me, honestly. We bedshare (following all safety guidelines) so it's easy to get her latched, eat for 10 minutes, and fall back asleep. What often is unintentionally implied in this question is that by asking about night sleep you assume day sleep is fine, when in fact that is my biggest struggle. Because I'm so protective of her day time naps, it's all I do. No housework, no errands, no friends, no hobbies. I've come to terms with it and accepted it as my motherly sacrifice to meet her needs, but it's still hard sometimes. 

She's gotten so big! Yes, I know. I've even said this to others about their babies. But what you're saying is "I haven't been with her every day so it seems to me like time has flown by and she's so much bigger than she was." Meanwhile, for me time passes slowly: some good days, lots of hard ones, and often wishing for times to pass quicker to when "it gets easier" as everyone promises. Because let's face it, motherhood is anything BUT easy. Totally worth it, but not easy. 

We're coming out of the fog of the "fourth trimester" and leaving her newborn days behind us, which honestly is a big relief. I recently realized that I must have been given this special high-needs girl because Heavenly Father knew that I would do everything I could to gently parent her as best I knew how. He knew I would give it my all to research what was best for her and put my wants on hold to give her everything she needs. He knew I could endure long days, achy arms, and tiring nights because she means that much to me. Because I know I am the perfect person to mother my baby, I soldier on. I look forward to easier days and imagine us playing in the park one day. It gets easier right? Right?! Please?