just wait until you have 2 kids! Or 3! Or 4!

You know what phrase I'm tired of hearing? "Just wait..."

Pregnancy definitely comes with its share of sleeping troubles. Can't sleep on your stomach, not supposed to sleep on your back, surrounded by a million pillows, and getting up for the bathroom a few times a night. The struggle is real. And yet how times did you hear "just wait until you have the baby, then you really won't get any sleep!" Thanks? 

Then you finally give birth to your sweet babe and try to manage (well, survive really) taking care of your postpartum self and your newborn. You'll probably have some sort of struggles or worries and you'll realize that being a parent is hard work! When you reach out and talk to people about it, inevitably one of them will say, 'just wait till you have two kids!" What happens when you have two? They say "just wait until you have a whole nest of them!" Again, thanks? 

Imagine this scenario: big brother in middle school says to his elementary school aged little sister "you think subtraction is hard, just wait till you get to algebra!" Along comes oldest sister who says "you think algebra is hard, just wait till calculus hits you in the face!" Not helpful, right? It may be true that subtraction is harder than calculus, but that doesn't make subtraction any less frustrating for the little sister. For her, math is really hard right now and belittling her experience is not only not helpful, but it doesn't support her, let alone help her get better at subtraction. It just makes her feel bad and never want to talk about it ever again. So she shuts down and struggles alone. Totally not cool, right? So why do we do this to new moms? 

"When you have more you won't worry about how long she naps." 

"That's too early in the morning? You must have one kid." 

"Just keep her up! She'll be fine, you worry too much." 

"Just wait till you have a toddler AND a newborn." 

I've heard enough. 

All this calls for a lesson in empathy.

Not sympathy, empathy. Sympathy is saying "well that sucks!", empathy is saying "I know this is hard. I'm here for you." Sympathy says "at least you don't (insert worse scenario here)." Sympathy distances yourself from others problems, while empathy gets down there with them for support. Rarely can a response make things better. What makes things better is connection. 

How do you know you're not saying the wrong thing? Consider the Ring Theory. Imagine that our friends and acquaintances fit into a series of rings. The innermost circle is someone who is having a hard time, whatever that may be. The next ring going outward is their significant other. Then family, then close friends, other friends, acquaintances, etc. The person who's life sucks at the moment (the innermost ring) gets to say whatever they want to the outer circles, but everyone else needs to hold the advice and complaints and just give support. Likewise, the significant other can tell the people on larger circles how his life is hard, but to the center loved one? Only support. You can say whatever you want at long as you are talking to a larger circle than you sit on. Comfort in, dump out. 

All these examples and analogies are basically trying to say this: sometimes my life is hard for me and I would rather you acknowledge that (or heaven forbid, offer help), rather than send the message that it's not that bad and I should suck it up. Wouldn't you want the same? 

So the next time someone tells you about how their life is difficult (even if they are complaining), pause. Before you rush in with a story about YOUR life being hard or if you are tempted to say "JUST WAIT", remember how it feels to be in dark, simply longing for hope and support. An understanding smile, hug, or a simple "that is hard and I'm here to listen" goes a long way. 

an argument for attachment parenting

It turns out I've been practicing something called "attachment parenting" without even knowing it. Attachment parenting is not necessarily a method to follow, but rather a philosophy that guides how you parent your child. The idea is that you listen to and get to know your baby and let that knowledge guide how you respond. Instead of enforcing an arbitrary schedule, you follow cues and let baby take the lead. Building trust and love now with a young baby leads to easier to navigate parenting in the future.  As Dr Sears says it "You give a lot of yourself to your baby - your time, your energy, your commitment. But you get back a lot more in return. Parenting is like investing in an IRA. The more you put in your child in the early ears, the greater the later returns. If you work hard at the beginning, later on you can relax more and enjoy the fruits of your labors" (The Attachment Parenting Book).

But what about spoiling your baby or teaching them to be independent? What about having a feeding schedule or sleep training? Think of attachment parenting as the style many parents used instinctually, before all the baby trainers and sleep consultants started telling us we had no idea what we were doing (which we might not have, but we certainly knew our children's needs better than they did). While there are things you can do to encourage good habits and routines, for the most part independence will come with time, sleep is largely developmental, and you can't spoil a baby with too much love. Trust your baby, trust your instincts, and get support from friends and family who understand.

How do you implement attachment parenting? Taken from The Attachment Parenting Book by Dr. Sears, here are the "Baby B's" to follow. You may do as many (or as few) as you are willing and able. 

• Birth bonding: start early getting to know your baby! Skin to skin and limiting visitors in the early days help promote attachment when the instinct for mother and child to be close is strong. 
• Breastfeeding: This helps you get to know your baby as you learn to read her cues and body language. It also releases oxytocin which promotes bonding. 
• Baby wearing: Babies like to be near you and see what you're doing. Wearing your child means they are close, which leads to increased familiarity and attachment. Babies who are worn a lot fuss less than babies who are put down most of the day. 
• Bedding close to baby: Parenting doesn't stop at night. Whether you are  in the same room, co-sleeping, or bedsharing, being close can help baby sleep better, regulate their breathing, and teach them that nighttime isn't scary. 
• Belief in your baby's cry: A baby cries to communicate. Responding quickly and sensitively helps build trust. The parent-child bond grows as baby's learn to trust that their caregiver will respond and parents learn to trust their ability to respond to baby. Babies do not cry to manipulate you. 
• Beware of baby trainers: Be wary of those who tell you to watch the clock or a rigid schedule instead of your baby (I'm looking at you Cry It Out...). Such methods may "work" but it is a short term gain with a long term loss and ultimately distances you from becoming the expert on your child. 
• Balance and Boundaries: Babies need functional parents most of all so it is important to learn when you need say yes to baby and when you need to say yes to yourself and take a break.

Ultimately, it is up to you to parent as you see fit and to cater to each childs' needs, but above all, love and respect your children. They need you.