the one question NOT to ask a mom

I get it, mamas of young kids are obsessed with sleep because that’s what babies do most of the time, but if I hear one more “how is she sleeping?” aka “does she sleep through the night yet?” I just might scream.

So here it goes: NO MY BABY DOES NOT SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT AND NO I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT NOR DO I NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO “FIX” IT. 

Got it? Babies wake up at night. This can happen at 4 months, 6 months, 10 months, 22 months, even my 274 months. Babies who don’t wake briefly at night are either sleep trained or unicorn anomalies. Or their mom might be lying to save face. Because in a culture obsessed with sleep training and mom shaming, we don't dare admit our babies aren’t perfect or the word-vomit of advice hurls itself at our ears. 

But I am admitting it so that doing so becomes normal. Here’s a few more things I’ll admit. I do not plan on sleep training. Even with night wakings I get enough sleep and feel well rested most of the time. I lay with my baby for naps. I don’t actually know how many times baby eats at night because I don’t get out of bed, I don’t look at the clock, and I don’t think it matters. I view sleep as developmental and night feeding as normal, therefore sleep is not something I worry about. 

I could turn this into an educational post with sources about what normal baby sleep actually looks like, but really I just needed to rant for a minute. So if your baby wakes at night and you feel alone, or like a failure, you’re not. 

Luckily there are social media groups that flock to reassure a mom who questions if she is doing everything wrong, but somehow in real life when people ask about sleep, even I tense up (though I’m probably rolling my eyes in my head). You see, I know that night wakings are normal, sleep crutches are natural, and self soothing is a myth, but many don’t. Maybe you even just read that and think I’m crazy or ill-informed. I want to reach out to every mom who wonders if they will ever stop rocking/nursing/waking etc. and let them know there are many more like them and this will end one day. There is no need to apologetically admit your baby is not conforming to adult-like routines and schedules. Babies will be babies. (Or not and if so I hope you consider yourself blessed). 

First time moms are especially vulnerable. It’s a huge adjustment and transition and you frequently feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. With time to obsess over every little thing, you often do. Time passes by sooo slowly sometimes and you wonder if you will be stuck in this stage forever. Advice is hard to filter and confidence is often lacking. I’ve heard that adding subsequent children can be easier in that you at least have more confidence and perspective and since kid #1 seems to be doing ok people tend to assume you know what you’re doing to some extent and don’t offer advice as often. 

So when you ask “how is your baby sleeping?” in an attempt to make conversation, the mom is likely debating what answer to give, worried to see how you’ll respond. Instead, let’s support young moms, admit that babies have weird sleep, and ask different questions. “What new thing is your baby doing lately?” or “What parts of his/her personality are you starting to see?” are great starters.