let the old advice die

As time goes on we learn more and more about how babies grow and develop and what the best ways to raise them are. Our guiding organizations change their guidelines and new books are written telling us we now know better and here are the new rules. The problem is, old advice still lingers and causes confusion, especially when coming from a source we trust. Most of this is due to misinformation or simply not knowing the new advice. Our grandparents may not be as in the know about current baby practices as when they were raising babies of their own and unfortunately even Drs aren’t always required to stay up to date on topics other than medicine (such as nutrition or breastfeeding).

So how do you know what is best and current? Fact check what you hear with the World Health Organization or American Academy of Pediatrics websites and always go to an expert in the subject you want to know more on (eg. a certified lactation consultant when struggling with breastfeeding). You can even turn around and then inform those around you, especially those who gave you inaccurate advice (just be sensitive, tactful, and cite your sources - face to face conversations also work better). 

Sounds easy right? Except there are many who cling to old advice and still propagate it, even arguing it is better than current recommendations. Many claim that these old practices “still work” or are “good enough”. They may say “well my kid turned out fine” or “what is wrong with how I did things?”. All these statements have a basic underlying assumption: because current practice is different from what I did then, I must have been wrong and/or a bad parent and therefore I need to defend my practices. 

It is not necessarily easy to accept there are better ways to do things than you knew, but that’s the point - we didn’t know better yet! Changing standards are not a reflection of you as a parent, they are simply a sign of changing times and advances in science. And because of that it is time to let the old advice die. New advice is not an attack on your parenting skills. Yes kids may have “turned out just fine” but don’t we want kids to do more than just survive? Don’t we want our kids to thrive and turn out better than we did? 

I know so many friends who have parents, grandparents or other family members who pressure them with old advice, insisting that they know best. It makes it hard for young moms to do what they know is current while maintaining a good relationship with these family members who take the new practices as a personal affront. Let it go! Easier said than done, but to support moms today it’s often necessary to take a humble pill and focus on THEM and not our experience. 

My dad said to me once “if you can raise Lyla better than we raised you than more power to you”. I loved that! It let me know my parents have my back and support me. I know they won’t be pressuring me to do what they did just because they did it, but to do my own research and do what’s best for Lyla right now. 

I think if every parent/grandparent/etc. adopted that attitude there’d be a little more support instead of contention. And because I’d rather not be labeled as a hypocrite I will try to do the same when I become a grandparent in the far future. Until then, I will support the friends who don’t have that kind of attitude in their family because goodness knows there are many. 

Does your family pressure you to follow outdated advice? What is it? What do you do about it? Let’s discuss.

the fear of mom shaming

Bullying sucks and unfortunately it’s not always left on the playground as we grow up. Mom shaming is real and it can hurt. For the most part we’re all doing what we think is best for our kids. It’s important to let moms evaluate the information and risks of various situations and then decide what is best for their kid and their family - that’s part of the job description. However, sometimes we are so afraid of offending we tiptoe a little too lightly. Sometimes the fear of being called judgemental gets in the way of sharing good information. Sometimes we get shamed for misinterpreted “mom shaming”.

What do I mean by this? When information is shared, often times if it is an opposing viewpoint, it is sometimes interpreted as a personal attack. Just because I do things differently doesn’t mean I think you’re a bad person who is setting your kids up for certain failure. But it also doesn’t mean I’m going to apologize for advocating what I believe to be the best practice.

For example, breast vs. bottle feeding. It is a fact that babies need food, I think we can all agree on that. Unfortunately as I've tried to educate and promote breastfeeding, I've been shut down by the phrase "fed is best" because I shouldn't offend moms who can't breastfeed or choose not to. Except that wasn't my point. My point was to share breastfeeding resources. My point was that moms who have more knowledge and support are more likely to continue breastfeeding. It's a proven fact that breastmilk has more components and beneficial qualities than formula, but that doesn't mean I hate formula!

I've come across this attitude in way too many situations. If I advocate for waiting for babies to be born when they are ready, I'm not sensitive to those who've been told by their Drs to induce (yes medical inductions are necessary but many inductions are elective and unnecessary). If I tell a mom to consider waiting to start solids with her 4m old even though her Dr said it was ok to start (AAP says 6 months) than I apparently I'm telling her to not listen to medical professionals. If I ask a mom why she plans to wean at one because did she know there's many benefits of breastmilk beyond that age (the WHO even recommends a minimum of 2yrs), then I'm being nosy and should stay out of her business and not make her feel bad for weaning. If I tell a mom to listen to her gut when she says she can't stand to hear her baby cry at night to try a more gentle option than cry-it-out (potential negative side effects according to multiple sources) then I must not think that getting enough sleep is of the utmost importance. Apparently if I ask about the rational behind any moms decision that I don't trust her or think she's doing the wrong thing. Can you see I'm a little fed up here?

Sometimes people don't know what they don't know and if I never raise questions or suggest other options than it's a missed opportunity for learning. In fact, usually the original question asker is thankful for the extra information to consider and it's other moms who come along saying "hey, leave her alone, why are you questioning or suggesting other options?". Or one my favorites is "hey, how dare you tell her to not listen to her Dr at all costs!", nevermind trying to ask the Dr why, or finding a second opinion, or praying about it.

I will always try to be sensitive but I am not afraid to raise my voice with an opinion contrary to mainstream thought. And yet I still hesitate before I share information because I have to ask myself if trying to help is worth the risk of being labeled a mom-shamer and having to defend myself. How is that fair? Yes we need to support moms in need but not at the expense of those trying to help.

I guess my point is to think a little more carefully about what you're saying in these advice giving situations. Please don't start drama where it was never asked for. Please don't assume those sharing information of an opposing viewpoint are out to degrade and offend. Please be open to considering non-mainstream options if they have research to back it. Please pray about what is best in each situation. Let's be a little kinder to EVERYONE. Kindness makes the world go round.

(ok, rant over. but seriously, I'm so tired of this. anyone else ever get attacked for suggesting other options? how to do you handle it?)