breastfeeding: the "if" vs. "when" attitude

*disclaimer: this can be a hot button topic and I am going to try to be as respectful and sensitive as I can while still conveying my message*

Lyla breastfeeding as a newborn

Breastfeeding can be a wonderful relationship with a bond only a mother and child can share. But it's not always easy. Many people go through rough patches (which is oh so common as you both adjust!) and some decide they want to switch to formula instead. I always say that a breastfeeding relationship is more likely to be successful if the mom has knowledge, support, and confidence in the process. Confidence can come from success but it can also come from having supportive family and friends who don't doubt you from the beginning. And that is where I want to focus.

I have noticed a potentially problematic general public attitude of "if" you can breastfeed (and before you get fired up about that statement, just hear me out). Note that the decision of whether to breastfeed or not is a very personal one and either way it's important that you do what's best for you and baby. But I said "if" you CAN not "if" you CHOOSE. The reality is most women around the world are physically able to breastfeed.

And yet it can be so devastating to discontinue when you really wanted to make it work and we want avoid making moms who stop early feel bad, because that's definitely not nice or productive. But in our efforts to avoid upsetting those who struggled to breastfeed, it would seem that the general public tiptoes around the subject entirely, even to the point that we don't encourage people to keep trying when they want to. We may assume everyone is going to run into such struggles that they want to quit.

I get that we don't want to set moms up for feeling like failures if they don't continue to feed their baby that way, but I think this general attitude has gone too far the other direction. I even wonder if this cautious approach has made it difficult for some moms who want to breastfeed but who don't have the knowledge or support it takes. If an individual mom tells herself that she's just going to just try breastfeeding and see how it goes (and then only continue if it works out), that's totally fine! It may even help her not to set high expectations from the start. But the general inclination seems to be that we're going to assume that everyone is going to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula at some point, which simply isn't true.

For example, in one forum a women asked why stay at home moms like to pump and have a stash if they are always with baby. Comments often said they wanted an emergency stash in case something happened (makes sense) but many also said they wanted a stash for WHEN their milk dried up (the assumption being that it inevitably would before they were ready to stop). I've heard the advice given that you should give baby some formula every now and then so they get used to the taste for WHEN you can't breastfeed anymore and need to switch to formula (see, this one makes no sense because offering formula before there's a need can impact and decrease your supply). If the general message given is that no matter what you do or how hard you try, you're probably going to need formula at some point, not only is this not accurate for everyone, but it's discouraging for the moms who are actually doing well but being told to doubt themselves anyways.

Again, I don't want to presume anything about why anyone stops breastfeeding, and I don't think having confidence will solve all problems. But my message here is that many moms who are doing great have family, friends, and even strangers who question their abilities and set back the breastfeeding relationship when they were doing just fine without the negative pressure.

Yes, let's support all moms no matter how they decide to feed their baby. But let's also actually support moms who want to make breastfeeding work. It's ok to say that it's ok to switch to formula if it's too hard, but you know what? It's also ok to persevere and try to keep going. It's ok to be confident in breastfeeding, even from the start when things are a bit tricky.  It's ok to not buy formula "just in case" and to plan on breastfeeding for two years with no thoughts about drying up early.

It's said that we shouldn't assume every mom is going to breastfeed. But let's also not assume that every mom is going to inevitably switch to formula. Let's let the mom lead and then offer genuine support whatever direction she decides to go.