to ask, or not to ask: pregnancy questions

There are two kinds of conversations I usually have with people about being pregnant. With friends and family we often chat for a while about how preparations are going, or how I've been lately, and if we're really close I'll rant about my birth plans. For everyone else I come in contact with, they want to feel like they're involved or seem like they are interested so they often ask me the same typical questions. Some questions come up so often I start to find them amusing! Please enjoy the answers to all such questions below. If you really want to get to know me and my pregnancy more, other suggested questions are also listed after that. 

1. What gender are you hoping for?
• A human child? But seriously, how does hoping for one gender help anything. Even if secretly hoping for one or the other I would feel so bad if I had announced I wanted one gender only to find out the other. Then I would only get sympathy over my "disappointment" when really we're just thrilled to be having a baby. 
2. What do you think you'll have?
• Mother's intuition may well indeed be a thing, but we certainly had no clear visions or dreams of our child being a boy or girl. And what if what I thought turned out to be wrong? We decided to skip that whole step and have patience till the anatomy ultrasound. Heck, some people wait till birth to find out gender, so really we didn't even wait that long! 
3. Do you have a name picked out?
• Nope. Not even close. Not something I constantly think or worry about either. This question was asked frequently immediately after we found out the gender. While some may narrow it down to a top boy and girl name before they find out gender, we simply wanted to know gender first so we had half the work to do! 
4. What names are you considering?
• If you are dying to know, there is nothing being seriously considered yet. What names do we like? We're not going to tell you. Sorry, but close friends, family, and even mothers probably won't get to know. I'm the kind of person who won't breathe a word until it's on the baby certificate because I don't want someone's opinion changing what I think about it - no exceptions. Harsh, I know, but isn't this a personal family matter anyway? 
5. How are you feeling? 
• To be fair, this is a valid question. Morning sickness is real and I certainly experienced that. Some even experience it through the entire pregnancy! Luckily, by the time I told the world at 14 weeks, my share was over. It would been more helpful if I'd been asked this question when I was feeling awful, but hey - most people didn't know. There are also plenty of other side effects and ailments that can accompany pregnancy, but for the most part (at least for me) they are just that - side effects. The main event is the growing child, right?! So thanks for asking, but I'm not ill, I'm just pregnant and it feels wonderful. 
6. Can the baby come to kindergarten? 
• Most commonly asked by the 5 year olds I spend my days with, but it's still cute how every time they see me they ask if it's coming yet and if I'll bring it to school. Sorry kids, but baby will be born around the end of the school year and I'll be staying away from germ infested places for a while after that. 

Safe questions

• How far along are you? 
• What has been the most fun part about being pregnant? 
• What's it like to feel the baby inside you? 
• Is pregnancy what you were expecting? 
• What are you doing for the baby's room?
• How is [insert anything else about my life] going?

Questions I'm dying to be asked

• Tell me about the latest baby book you've been reading.
• Why are you looking forward to a natural birth? 
• How can I help you get ready?
• What advice are you looking for? 
• Can I bring you a meal or help clean your house after baby is born?

tender mercies and pregnancy tears

When I got home from work today I couldn't find my phone and panicked. It wasn't in my purse, my coat, the car, and I concluded I must have left it at the elementary school I work at. It was a few minutes before 4:00pm, the time the school closes, so I grabbed my keys and prayed that I could get back quickly and that someone would still be there (I live two miles away). 

I got to the school, a few cars were there and I could tell someone was still in the office, but the door was locked. I don't have a key. Trying not to lose all hope I started pounding on the door, but let's face it - that effort was pretty useless. Luckily another teacher (one of the few in the school who knows who I am) saw me and came to unlock the door for me (tender mercy #1). 

I ran into the office, grateful the secretaries were still there (tender mercy #2), and asked if they could help me get into the classroom. I had no idea if they would have been able to, but apparently they have keys (tender mercy #3). I was able to get into the classroom, grab the phone, and head back home crying happy tears (that I'm going to claim were pregnancy and hormone induced) all the way home. 

I'd like to think I'm not that attached to my phone, but the thought of a weekend without being able to contact anyone had me devastated. I'm so grateful I was able to get it back through a series of events that was too coincidental to be simply luck. Thank goodness for a God who cares and watches out for me, even when it comes to silly little things like getting my phone back. 

rant: US prenatal care

Most of us trust doctors. I trust doctors! But recently I've been learning about how that trust shouldn't be blind trust and we should be our own health advocates.

Why be skeptic of Drs., specifically with prenatal care? I have been doing a lot of reading lately, particularly on labor and birth, and it turns out those in obstetrics don't always have the best ideas for everyone since they are trained to handle problematic pregnancies and births, not normal ones. Please feel free to do your own research on the subject, but there are all sorts of typical procedures and interventions that are not only not necessary, but aren't a good idea either. There are now birth guidelines that suggest avoiding routine episiotomies and electronic fetal monitoring, delaying cord clamping, letting the baby room in instead of going to a nursery, avoiding elective cesareans that don't have a good reason, etc. Not to mention the bad birth practices of cold, uninviting hospital rooms, laboring on one's back which restricts pelvis size, not letting woman eat or drink during labor, and wanting labor to progress within a time limit! Have I mentioned how the US has the highest rates for c-sections and is considered one of the worst developed countries in terms of prenatal care and birth outcomes? Gah! The reasons we got to this place are mostly historical and not medically based by the way. Fascinating to read about.

The main reason all this boils my blood is the lack of transparency. Women often go through all the prenatal testing and birth interventions suggested and many do so without skipping a beat, but don't we have options? Shouldn't we know exactly what is going on and why? It would be great if before each next step the Dr. explained the exact procedure, research backing up the reliability and validity of the results and necessity of the procedure, the pros and cons, and then said we recommend _______, but discuss it with your partner and let us know what you decide. Does this ever happen? No. Typically for a prenatal appointment you wait in the waiting room for a long while, are told a test is going to be done, then it's done. You may see the Dr. for 5 minutes when he asks if you have any questions, but really he's already late for the next woman and you walk out of the office wondering if anyone will ever sit down and talk with you about what pregnancy is really like instead of passing you off as another patient.

My information on such a topic has not only come from personal experiences but from HOURS of book reading, journal article reading, internet searches, and the positive and negative opinions of both those I know and those I don't. In anything we do, we should all inform ourselves, but has any of this information come from my OB office? No. Have they pointed me towards any resources? No. Have they done anything wrong? Well, technically no, but do I feel well informed or well taken care of? No. I'm just another pregnant sheep in the herd.

There are both plenty of care providers who do a wonderful job and plenty of woman who are fighting to be more informed and involved in the decisions about their own bodies, so I know I'm not the only one with a bone to pick on this topic. I am also clearly willing to do my own research and fight my own fight. But you know what? I'm a little tired of fighting today. It's a little exhausting to put so much effort into my own research just so I can feel like I have a basic understanding of what is going on, let alone make decisions and defend them. I'm slightly tempted to move to the Netherlands for the best care. Anyone else?

new year, new goals of pain

I recently read an article that suggested that instead of asking ourselves what we want out of life, we should ask what pain we want to sustain and what we are willing to suffer through. For example, everyone wants a great job, but not everyone wants to plod through long hours, stressful weeks, and obnoxious paperwork. This was a completely new idea to me. I not only have to want the outcome, but I have to want the cost too? The author even suggests that if we never act on our desires, that they are only a fantasy and we never really wanted them enough. 

There are few things I can think of where I wanted the costs enough to pursue something out of self interest and not because I was compelled or obligated. Last year I went the month of January without sweets after a sugar filled December. Surprisingly, I actually enjoyed the internal struggle of passing the plate of cookies since I knew I was doing it for myself and because I wanted to feel that longing but not give in. I also once signed up for a "lazy man iron man" where I was to complete the lengths of swimming, running and biking an Iron Man in a month's time. I have never worked out so much or so hard in my life (especially since at the time I was taking two other exercise classes and three dance classes), but I also was so proud of myself for sweating so much and for continuing to press forward even when it felt like my body was broken. 

I can also think of times where perhaps I wasn't willing to suffer the costs, even if I didn't realize it. During college I got swept into the world of ballroom. I quickly got involved in whatever classes I could sign up for and even started competing with a partner. I remember feeling proud when my coach said that even though we were starting out as "sucky beginners", we worked harder than many of his other students, especially those at the same level. Then when the school year ended, my partner and I went separate ways and I never really came at ballroom with the same intensity again. I progressed but not very quickly, and I never competed with a partner again. I said it was because I was getting married and needed to focus on that, or because as newlyweds we didn't have a lot of money, or because I needed to focus on graduation, but ultimately by the end I was looking back wishing I had had the guts to just go for it, no matter the cost. Perhaps I didn't want it enough, or I wasn't willing to suffer through the long practices, pricey competitions, and exhausting schedule. I also wonder if that's why grad school didn't happen right after graduation. Did I really want to go to more school if I barely studied for the GRE, didn't research other schools available, and wrote my statement of intent at the last minute? 

As we come upon the new year I ask myself, what am I willing to suffer through? Where will I willingly endure the pain, and not just the outcome? The first thing that comes to mind is childbirth. Recently, I've been reading every book I can get my hands on that people recommend on the subject. I have never immersed myself so thoroughly in a subject outside of a school project. I want to do everything I can to mentally, spiritually, and physically prepare and I am looking forward to what will hopefully be a natural childbirth with every sensation of energy and pressure felt. Not only am I willing, I am excited to experience this rite of passage into motherhood. Even though I obviously haven't given birth yet, there is some sense of accomplishment in doing all I can to be ready to experience (and not just "get through") the costs, and not just focus on the outcome. 

So what are you willing to go through? What goals will you set this year that you know you will actually accomplish because you want the process and not just the end result? I'd love to hear about them. 

we are having a GIRL!

On Monday, Dec 21 we headed to our anatomy ultrasound and found out our little babe is a girl! We are so thrilled. We both wanted a little girl at some point and I can already picture her as part of our family. She was super active during the whole thing, as she usually is (as far as I can tell), even to the point that it was hard to get certain pictures. Cute little thing kept putting her hands up by her face or in her mouth and kicking all over the place. All looked normal and I finally look actually pregnant enough to start showing off the bump! What a wonderful early Christmas present. 

how to: having children

Those familiar with Mormon culture will often joke about how young (and sometimes quickly) many couples both get married and have children. I myself know of some people that got engaged, married, and pregnant all within our first year of marriage. All jokes aside however, these are big life decisions that warrant lots of thought before they happen.

Story time. I've always liked kids and knew I wanted to have my own someday. When we got married we didn't have an exact plan for when that would happen - not right away, but not in 10 years either. We first wanted to finish school (props to those who do both pregnancy/kids and school at the same time, but that wasn't for me), maybe work some, etc. During my summer of boredom/self reflection (see here), I started to wonder when that day would come - just idle curiosity. I couldn't tell you my thoughts exactly, but over the span of a few months that idle curiosity about our life plan turned into wondering if we should have kids soon. When I started feeling like that "soon" was more like "now", I brought it up to Cameron and eventually through much thought and prayer we decided to start trying. We were lucky in that a month later I had a positive pregnancy test!

Let's stop there and back track. The above process makes it seem like all went smoothly and we easily came up with the idea to have kids and decided on it pretty quickly. In fact, the opposite was true, and for me especially. Remember in my post about that summer when I said I felt a bit like I had failed (see here)? Others had plans for grad school, a job, or they were pregnant at graduation (and usually had their babies shortly thereafter), and I had none of the above. Because getting pregnant wasn't in the plans at first (I wanted to go to grad school, or at least find a job), it somehow felt that if we got pregnant right after all my original plans fell through, it would be a cop-out move.

Now I KNEW in my head that becoming a mom was what I had always planned on and that plenty of people simply finished school and became a stay at home mom, but that's not what I had planned on! Not only that, but I didn't want anyone assuming that we decided to move forward with a family because I couldn't seem to do anything else. Plus, in some ways I'm more counterculture than mainstream and I didn't WANT to be lumped into the category of "those Mormon girls who finish school then stay home and have babies". I was going to start a career, THEN have kids and maybe work part time. Basically, what this entire paragraph is telling you is that I didn't want to have kids then, not yet.

Thus ensued an internal struggle, where clearly the decision to have kids won and I felt like it was what God wanted us to do. While I'm super excited to hold my little one in my arms for the first time, I still don't quite understand the timing of it all. I'm not sure what will follow after this. More kids? Back to school? Will I work at all? Who knows. I'm just trying to prepare for one baby at this point. And that's ok.

Why do I tell you this? When I was in the middle of it all, I wondered how others reached their decision about having children, or if they felt as conflicted as I did. If I had always desired kids, why was I so against it, and was it ok to feel guilty over that? I also wanted to share my story to show that everyone has their backstory and we can never assume to know what is going on in people's private lives. I'm not one to get offended, but when some people found out I was pregnant and expressed how they "knew that was coming soon" or they "wondered when we were going to get going on that", it stung a little. While they probably figured I'd follow the typical pattern of having children soon after getting married, I was holding back bitter tears and not knowing how to explain to everyone how I was both super excited but also didn't want this at the same time.

Currently in the middle of dr.'s appointments, baby registries, and reading about childbirth I am once again super excited at the prospect of becoming a mom! I will now welcome any advice on baby items to acquire as I feel slightly clueless. But just do me a favor - next time someone announces they are pregnant, by all means celebrate and be happy for them, but remember that such a decision takes a lot of personal thought and don't assume anything. We all have our own stories.

how to: life post college graduation

For the first two decades + of our lives, we spend at least 75% of our time enrolled in school. The goal is always to make it to the next round of teachers, papers, and exams, until one day it stops. Depending on your experience, you may or may not feel prepared, but either way one day you wake up and realize that you are done with school (even if only for now) and you must move along into adult life, pretending you know what you are doing. Now when did that happen?!

Here comes my personal story. Feel free to continue if you want to learn you are not the only one who went through a quarter life crisis about what to do with yourself. 

• Freshman year: take generals, meet boys, and stay up too late. 
• Sophomore year: pick major (psychology), meet future husband, complain about finals. 
• Junior year: pick career ("therapy", whatever that means), get married, ignore the fact that college is halfway over. 
• Senior year: narrow down career ("marriage and family therapy" - now what is that again and how do I start?), realize I should have graduation plans, panic and then proceed to take the GRE and apply to one school (seriously?! you only applied to one competitive program, what were you thinking self?!), not get in to grad school, pretend life will resolve itself after finals.
• Graduation: YAY we made it! what are you doing next? No idea. Literally no grad school plans, no job lined up, and no inkling of what to do next or what I would be interested in.

What followed was an entire summer of unemployment and self reflection. Some of this was good, and some bad. I'll shorten the pros and cons for you. 

Pros:

• I purged and cleaned and organized and purged some more and it felt GREAT!
• I reflected on how when I was in school I felt pressure to go to grad school or have life plans, but I didn't and I started to realize I wasn't the only one and that was ok. I could take time to actually think through my next step in life. 
• I was able to start a new hobby! Google "quilling". If you're impressed, come buy something from me. 
• I had the time and availability to visit WAY too many potential apartments and EVENTUALLY find us a new great place that we moved into mid/end July.

Cons:

• I felt like a failure in my major, to my school, and for myself. I had literally no plans and no idea where to get started. I was basically too scared and ashamed to try to get help or attempt make plans. I "saved" myself with the excuse that I couldn't apply for jobs yet because I was going out of town for two weeks at the end of the summer. 
• I had way too much time on my hands and was bored most of the time. I watched too many YouTube videos, Netflix movies, and spent an inordinate time on social media sites. 
• I was really lonely. I sometimes went out with friends, but it was hard to reach out to ask anyone to hang out with me because I didn't want to inconvenience them. I also didn't want to have the "what are you doing now?" talk. Most days were spent waiting for my husband to get home and then blabbing/crying his ear off when he finally did. 
• I didn't know if anyone else felt the same way. I didn't know if anyone else was struggling with what to do, or if I was the only one bored, lonely, and stuck. 

So what happened? At the end of the summer, my one move was to casually post on Facebook that I was looking for a job. A friend mentioned that someone she knew said that the elementary school she was working at was looking for aides. I called the school, came in to talk to them, and accepted a part time, not super high pay position, but hey - it was a job, it wasn't in the food industry or retail, and I happen to really like kids. 

We also got pregnant in August and are expecting a baby around May 1 (for an entirely different story on how that came to be, go here). So for now I work a good portion of the time, spend my day off doing errands and housework, and still spend an inordinate amount of time on social media. I also  have no plans beyond taking care of baby once it's here, but life has moved forward. 

The moral of the story? I have yet to figure that out. I was grateful for the opportunity to pause and think about my next step, but that was also (and still is) super scary and apparently I'm not as good at the whole vulnerability thing as I had thought. I do have one secret hope that someone else who either had a similar experience, or who fears this experience, will take comfort in the fact that they are not the only one. For those who would appreciate a religious aspect, I think the other thing I learned (and am still learning) is that God has a plan for my life and that that plan is probably not what I was thinking it was and that's ok - all will be well and figured out somehow and at some point.