the fear of mom shaming

Bullying sucks and unfortunately it’s not always left on the playground as we grow up. Mom shaming is real and it can hurt. For the most part we’re all doing what we think is best for our kids. It’s important to let moms evaluate the information and risks of various situations and then decide what is best for their kid and their family - that’s part of the job description. However, sometimes we are so afraid of offending we tiptoe a little too lightly. Sometimes the fear of being called judgemental gets in the way of sharing good information. Sometimes we get shamed for misinterpreted “mom shaming”.

What do I mean by this? When information is shared, often times if it is an opposing viewpoint, it is sometimes interpreted as a personal attack. Just because I do things differently doesn’t mean I think you’re a bad person who is setting your kids up for certain failure. But it also doesn’t mean I’m going to apologize for advocating what I believe to be the best practice.

For example, breast vs. bottle feeding. It is a fact that babies need food, I think we can all agree on that. Unfortunately as I've tried to educate and promote breastfeeding, I've been shut down by the phrase "fed is best" because I shouldn't offend moms who can't breastfeed or choose not to. Except that wasn't my point. My point was to share breastfeeding resources. My point was that moms who have more knowledge and support are more likely to continue breastfeeding. It's a proven fact that breastmilk has more components and beneficial qualities than formula, but that doesn't mean I hate formula!

I've come across this attitude in way too many situations. If I advocate for waiting for babies to be born when they are ready, I'm not sensitive to those who've been told by their Drs to induce (yes medical inductions are necessary but many inductions are elective and unnecessary). If I tell a mom to consider waiting to start solids with her 4m old even though her Dr said it was ok to start (AAP says 6 months) than I apparently I'm telling her to not listen to medical professionals. If I ask a mom why she plans to wean at one because did she know there's many benefits of breastmilk beyond that age (the WHO even recommends a minimum of 2yrs), then I'm being nosy and should stay out of her business and not make her feel bad for weaning. If I tell a mom to listen to her gut when she says she can't stand to hear her baby cry at night to try a more gentle option than cry-it-out (potential negative side effects according to multiple sources) then I must not think that getting enough sleep is of the utmost importance. Apparently if I ask about the rational behind any moms decision that I don't trust her or think she's doing the wrong thing. Can you see I'm a little fed up here?

Sometimes people don't know what they don't know and if I never raise questions or suggest other options than it's a missed opportunity for learning. In fact, usually the original question asker is thankful for the extra information to consider and it's other moms who come along saying "hey, leave her alone, why are you questioning or suggesting other options?". Or one my favorites is "hey, how dare you tell her to not listen to her Dr at all costs!", nevermind trying to ask the Dr why, or finding a second opinion, or praying about it.

I will always try to be sensitive but I am not afraid to raise my voice with an opinion contrary to mainstream thought. And yet I still hesitate before I share information because I have to ask myself if trying to help is worth the risk of being labeled a mom-shamer and having to defend myself. How is that fair? Yes we need to support moms in need but not at the expense of those trying to help.

I guess my point is to think a little more carefully about what you're saying in these advice giving situations. Please don't start drama where it was never asked for. Please don't assume those sharing information of an opposing viewpoint are out to degrade and offend. Please be open to considering non-mainstream options if they have research to back it. Please pray about what is best in each situation. Let's be a little kinder to EVERYONE. Kindness makes the world go round.

(ok, rant over. but seriously, I'm so tired of this. anyone else ever get attacked for suggesting other options? how to do you handle it?) 

A review on Minimalism: a documentary about important things

I just finished watching "Minimalism: a documentary about important things" and it reminded me of why I embrace this way of life, but it also make me glad to have a divine purpose and perspective in my life. Here are some main takeaways and reflections I had about this documentary. 

Main takeaways 

• Stuff doesn’t make you happy. The thrill of the hunt gets you an item but then the thrill is gone, the void is there, and you feel even emptier. 

• People matter most. The relationships we have give way more meaning to our lives than what we can do or acquire. 

• Things crowd our lives. When we get rid of the excess, things are simpler and healthier. It’s like the fog has been lifted from our eyes and we are life anew. 

• Minimalism at its core is about living intentionally. When you are deliberate with your choices and your actions you not only keep to only what you need but you also live a life of integrity. 

Reflections 

So many individuals interviewed said they found themselves lost in consumerism with a lack of purpose. Having less and being intentional does clarify life, but purpose comes in knowing why we are here and who we are. I know I am a daughter of God and because of that I have an inherent worth to my soul. I don’t need to prove myself worthy of love, or consume to feel whole because God’s love will always be there to breathe importance into who I am. My ultimate goal is to become like Him and while minimalism helps me focus on that goal, it didn’t create it. I loved this film because it highlighted the many reasons I believe in doing more with less, but it also showcased the lack of perspective our world has for the reasons we are here on this earth. We are here to learn, to build families, and to practice righteous living that we may one day live with our Father in Heaven. 

Bottom line, I enjoyed watching the film and if you're looking to be inspired or fuel your minimalism fire, go watch it! But also remember that while stuff should not define who you are, neither does minimalism - your worth is inherent as a child of God.

today I miss “me”

Today wasn’t necessarily a hard day. Naps were ok, we saw friends at playgroup, we went on a walk. And yet as I lay here reflecting on what we did, I miss the old me. I miss the me that got to stay up and go out. I miss the me that could eat a peaceful meal and go the bathroom by herself. I miss the me that thought about me.

I recognize there are times and seasons for every stage of life and this is one where it's more about the littles, but that doesn't mean accepting it is always easy. Most of the time I can, but then there are days like today where I remember how it was so EASY to only worry about myself. How simple life would be if I could fill my days with hobbies, evenings with tv shows, and maybe even actually get household chores done consistently. And yet, how unfulfilling is that compared to what I do now.

Brene Brown tells us that if we shy away from things that are uncomfortable and uncertain, we limit ourselves. It is by leaning into vulnerability that we experience the full, broad range of emotions, including great joy. Parenting can be hard, but what joy there is in have a little person who loves you wholeheartedly. To know you are responsible for helping them to grow and flourish. The excited breathing and big gummy grin my girl gets when she sees me warms my heart so much!

But not today. Today I am just forlorn. And that is ok. Feelings pass and it's ok to feel sad, or angry, or upset. Today I will sit in and lean into my discomfort, knowing that perhaps a greater feeling of joy is around the corner. One day I will have more time for myself and I will miss the little snuggles and gummy grins. There are times and seasons for all feelings. 

looking back: 2017

This year both flew by faster than any previous year and had some of the slowest days of my life. The biggest event of the year was welcoming Lyla into our family on May 10th. The rest of the year also revolved around her and my journey into motherhood. Here's a review...

Part 1: waiting for baby (Jan-April)

• Switched health care providers to a midwife/birth center and felt SO at peace with it
• Cameron went through his own nesting phase and put our 72 hr kits together
• Trip to Florida at Valentines where we took maternity pictures
• Posted my blog and was overwhelmed by the positive response
• Felt overwhelmed by gathering baby items but confident in my life path (good-bye quarter life crisis)
• Found Hypnobabies and looked forward to birthing time 
• Felt like baby would never come and got tired of pesky questions 

Part 2: newborn days are hard (May-Aug)

• Overwhelming love for our little human
• Lots of Netflix and sleeping
• Lots of crying, both by mom and baby
• Obsessed over baby sleep
• Embraced emotions, hormones, and uncertainty; questioned if I would ever leave the house again
• Celebrated our Anniversary and first date out away from Lyla 
• Felt support by family, friends, and even complete strangers that helped get me through

Part 3: confidence in motherhood (Sept-Dec)

• Finally enjoyed being a mom
• Watched as Lyla learned to roll, sit, crawl, stand and start eating
• Started reading a ton of gentle parenting books 
• Had play dates with baby friends, went to playgroup and library story time
• Embraced minimalism and purged a lot 
• Celebrated Christmas with my family for the first time in 3 years
• Attended my sister's wedding 

This year I've learned that sometimes the best life strategy is to not have one at all, but to take things as they come and adapt where you can. I want to continue this in 2018 by embracing whatever happens and trying to improve myself along the way. Here are some more of my goals for this year...

• Keep connection my #1 goal with Lyla, even as we anticipate potential sleep regressions, tantrums, and picky eating
• Make my marriage a priority. I’m my strongest mama bear when I remember I’m a wife first
• Continue to read gentle parenting books
• Keep the clutter out! 
• Gradually minimize waste and bring in more reusable products instead
• Quill an “L” for Lyla’s room 

I usually don’t make resolutions because they feel forced and never end up happening, but I do think it’s a good chance to reflect and set new goals. So this year I’m trying again and being more intentional with them. 2017 was both a joy and an emotional roller coaster and I’m genuinely excited to continue to watch Lyla grow and see what else this year brings.

Happy New Year!

baby’s first Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Christmas-time is always a favorite time of year and this year we were excited to involve Lyla in all our festivities and traditions. Also, #realtalk, I have so many cute baby Christmas pictures I just had to share. 

Dec 4th we started with my father-in-law's company family Christmas party - dinner and the Luminaria exhibit at Thanksgiving point. I was worried about Lyla staying warm and being up past her bedtime but she was totally enthralled, content, and then fell asleep on the way home (which NEVER happens). She met Santa for the first time and wasn’t quite sure what to think. 

Dec 16th was our ward Christmas party. Lyla had a grand old time joining in on the breakfast and this time meeting Santa was met with something of a smile! 

Dec 22nd and 23rd we started on some Christmas baking (cranberry orange scones, orange rolls, and cinnamon rolls) and went on our annual Christmas light ride. Lyla definitely likes Christmas lights. She’ll even eat them if they’re close. 

Christmas Eve we enjoyed our church Christmas program and Lyla made friends with the old ladies in the congregation with her smiles and babblings while I was up on the stand with the choir. I was proud that I got Lyla’s bow to stay in at least for one picture. That evening we went to the in-laws (Farfar and Farmor) for a nice dinner and treats. Lyla loved the roast and cinnamon apples. 

Christmas Day started dark and early at 6:30 when baby woke up. We opened stockings and presents before having a carb loaded breakfast of the rolls, Einstein bagels (including green chile and a snickerdoodle flavor!) ham, egg nog and juice. Considering I’m a minimalist and Lyla finds boxes, wrapping paper, and ribbons more interesting than actual toys we didn’t get her much of anything except for a baby toothbrush, beanie baby, and a loofah to play with. I’m grateful our parents aren’t large gifters either, so from them we got one toy, an outfit, and my family’s literal presence as we haven’t spent Christmas with them in 3 years and

plane tickets are pricey during the holidays. Yay family! We had a White Christmas and snow actually stuck to the ground for the first time this season so Lyla discovered snow and mostly wanted to eat it. We spent the afternoon and evening playing, visiting, and eating with my family, some cousins/aunts/uncles and my mom's parents. Way too many people at once for our little girl so we had to frequently step out for a break but we managed. Lyla was certainly loved and adored by all including my siblings, most of whom had yet to meet her in person. 

For us Christmas is all about Christ, family, traditions, and treats. We love spending time with family making memories that will last far longer than any item given. As our family grows it makes the season even more special. Merry Christmas Lyla! 

FTMs: no free time but we’re not busy

With a baby attached to me (quite literally this week as we’re in the middle of separation anxiety), nothing is quite so simple anymore. My schedule revolves around nap time, making dinner takes twice as long, and we don’t leave the house together past 6 because bedtime is at 7. Most hours of the day (and night) my time is not my own. “Me time”, when it happens, has a whole new meaning.

At the same time I'm not super busy. When a mom friend wants a play date the answer is “YES PLEASE WE HAVE NO PLANS!” There’s always the weekly grocery trip or library run, we try to keep up on laundry and sometimes vacuum, but other than that I sit on the floor while my baby explores the living room and I message my husband at work. Also I can’t be the only one who makes up errands for something to do. 

No I am not yet chasing a toddler, or helping kids with homework, or acting as taxi driver. My to do list has a few things on it, but it’s not a struggle to keep up with. I have no deadlines, due dates, or appointments. We love our daily routine and I’m a big fan of having lots of independent free play, but the reality is sometimes I want more. 

We think of new moms as busy - they’ve got their hands full so why bother them? And while it’s true our hands are full of wiggly baby, we want to be bothered. We want plans, friends, and things to do. We will work around nap time but we have plenty of time otherwise.

Are you home with a little one? Let's have a play date! Try to take the initiative to set up get togethers (or even a regular play group) in your area. Maybe others will follow. 

*Note: written 11/30, FTM = first time mom

we're skipping the baby food

introducing peanut butter in peanut pasta

Lyla is over 6 months old (7 months now) and that means solids! Yes, we waited till 6 months as is the current recommendation by most health organizations these days including the AAP and the WHO. Traditionally that means heading to the baby food aisle (or making your own), spoon-feeding your little one, and gradually introducing table foods, but we're skipping straight to table food! These days it's a movement called "Baby-Led Weaning" (UK definition of weaning aka the introduction of solids, not discontinuing breastfeeding as it often means in the US), but babies haven't always been spoon-fed.

Background 

chewing some bread from a reuben

What solid foods babies have been fed varies based on time period and location, but the wide spread use of store bought baby food jars can essentially be traced back to advertising starting in the 1920s. By the 1950s 90% of Americans fed their babies jarred baby food and by 2002 that number was 99% (click for source). But this wasn’t always the way it was done; in fact some older family members may recall they did indeed simply give baby some of what they were eating, only it wasn't called "baby-led weaning" it was just called feeding your baby. Baby-led weaning (BLW) challenges the myth that infants must start on diets of liquid mush and while there is NOTHING wrong with going the traditional weaning (TW)  route, this post will clearly be biased towards BLW. But what about the research? Is this a fad? I'll be the first to admit that evidence based research on BLW is scant to nonexistent. It just hasn't really been done. But what research has been done along with the anecdotal research from thousands who have done it show it is feasible for most infants and has many benefits (the only real con is baby can get messy). 

Why bother?

Picture credit: Baby Led Weaning for Beginners Facebook Grou

• Give control back to baby: Babies and toddlers instinctively know what foods their body needs nutrition wise and how much to eat. They will not overfeed themselves. They become self-sufficient and confident at feeding themselves when they are given the chance to do so.

  

  learning appropriate bite size

• Learning to chew first: Spoon-feeding bypasses the gag reflex to encourage them to swallow the pureed food. BLW teaches baby to chew food first before swallowing. By experimenting with how much to bite off they learn appropriate bite sizes and are at a lower risk for choking.
• Tastes and textures: Food before one year isn’t about getting large amounts into your baby, it’s about letting them explore food and all its tastes and textures. It's a great learning experience and they learn more about what food is like when it's in its true form. 
• Convenience: Say goodbye to an increased grocery budget (no need to buy jars), waiting to eat your cold food (you eat at the same time as baby), and specially prepared meals (they eat what you eat). Less to do, so there's less stress! 

So how does this work? Here are the basics:

Picture credit: Baby Led Weaning for Beginners Facebook Group

• Before you start: Babies must meet the following requirements: 6 months of age by date (adjusted if preemie), able to sit unassisted, loss of tongue thrust, interest in food, starting to develop the pincer grasp. 
• Baby eats what you eat: There are NO first foods and no specially prepared meals for your kiddo. The only things to avoid are honey in all forms and too much sodium (400mg per day for baby if you want to be specific). It's also best to eat (and therefore offer) a well balanced diet with lots of fruits and vegetables. 

  

  baby eats what we eat but in finger shapes

• Appropriate food sizes: All foods should be cut into finger lengths when possible. Small foods like rice or corn are fine as is and round foods like grapes, tomatoes, or baby carrots should be cut into quarters length-wise. Choking hazards like nuts and popcorn should be avoided. Once baby has mastered chewing and the pincer grasp (around 9-10m), food can be cut into bite sized pieces (but not itty bitty pieces). 

  

  trying cheese

• Offer milk first: Milk is the primary source of nutrition until a year old and feedings should not be reduced until then. Offer breastmilk/formula 30-60 minutes before meals. Up to 2oz of water a day offered at meal time is ok but no more.
• Baby feeds themselves: Only place food on tray for baby to grab themselves. Puree-like adult foods (think yogurt or applesauce) are fine as long as you put the preloaded spoon on the tray for baby to use. Never put food in baby's mouth or hand them something. They need to be in control. 
• DO NOT INTERFERE WHEN GAGGING: 

  

  gag face

  Gagging is a built in safety reflex for when big food gets too close to the wind pipe. It can be unnerving to watch a baby gag at first but they will work it out themselves. Interfering can cause choking. Choking is rare and is NOT the same as gagging. Often those not familiar with the difference will see a gagging baby, exclaim “she’s choking!”, and want to take the food out but that is incorrect and dangerous. Educate yourself to know the difference.

BUT WHAT ABOUT..??

• Choking: Is rare. Take an infant CPR class so you know what it looks like and what to do in case it happens. Remember, gagging and choking are NOT the same thing. 
• Allergy foods: There is no 3 day rule (that's outdated info) unless you have a history of family allergies (then work with your Dr. on how to introduce). Introduce everything at 6 months. Any reactions would likely be pretty obvious and immediate. 
• Teeth:

  

  no teeth needed!

  There are no teeth needed to eat real food. The back teeth used for chewing don't come in until 2yrs old and by then all kids are eating solid food. Baby gums are tough and meant for chewing.
• Doing both BLW and purees: This is a big no, sorry. Yes in TW you eventually start offering solid food but if you’re going the BLW route you need to be fully committed. Sometimes spoon-feeding can cause confusion about whether to chew or swallow first (choking risk!) and it defeats the whole point of letting baby do it themselves by trial and error. If you’ve done purees for a few months already it’s also best to continue the traditional route. 

Lyla makes some great faces

Lyla's experience

I admit, her first meal I was a little nervous and watched her like a hawk. She did gag a lot and even threw up but it didn’t seem to phase her, she just wanted more food! We’re now a few weeks in and she rarely gags and we know she is eating some things because her diapers have become rather exciting. I’m always sitting with her and modeling eating but I don’t watch her as intently anymore, I just enjoy my meal. Not all babies will go for food immediately but Lyla is definitely gung-ho about trying food and she loves being included in family meals. I’m also happy to have my lap and hands free so I can eat too! Food so far has been a chill, stress-free experience with 0 extra prep and only a few extra baths. We LOVE BLW and are so glad we went this route. If you want to know more, read Baby-Led Weaning by Gil Rapley or I'd be happy to answer any questions! 

new food means intense concentration

Lyla tries steak!

Working on her pincer grasp

trying egg with her first meal