from quarter-life crisis to new life paths: a year in review

You know how they say that most people end up doing something different than what they graduated in? Though I knew it was probably true to some degree, I thought they said that to make us feel better. Or how when you ask someone to describe how they got to where they are now there's often a sense of awe like they have to really think "how did this happen?!" I thought that was partially false too. How could you not know? How could every next step be a complete surprise?

Around a year ago when I graduated but didn't continue on to grad school I quite literally hit a dead end in my life plans. It shook me up more than I let on and for a long time I went through the motions of life with no sense of direction. Getting pregnant? That was definitely an unexpected thought that once it entered my mind could not be left alone. Even then getting so involved in birth research that I now plan to teach childbirth classes was a complete fluke. In other words, I am proof that life does take completely unexpected turns that you don't plan on and no I really didn't see any of that coming.

Let's talk about dead ends for a minute. For my LDS friends, you've probably seen that Mormon Message where Elder Holland describes an outing with his grandpa where in driving back home they were both prompted to take the left fork when it turned out to be a dead end. The question young Holland asks is why were we prompted to go the wrong way? Holland then reflects and teaches:

"Sometimes in response to prayers, the Lord may guide us down what seems to be the wrong road—or at least a road we don’t understand—so, in due time, He can get us firmly and without question on the right road. Of course, He would never lead us down a path of sin, but He might lead us down a road of valuable experience."

Suddenly this analogy makes way more sense to me. I loved psychology and did enjoy doing research and writing papers, but it wasn't necessarily a passion and certainly not something I was thinking about all the time. I honestly felt like I should pursue a grad degree, which naively I also thought it meant I would get in and continue right after graduation. I had to hit a dead end and let that dream die before I was willing to consider another path. Looking back, I'm not sure I had the stamina to continue school and I don't think I loved it enough to be able to love it when grad school would have inevitably gotten hard and probably even sucked from time to time. Finally realizing I'm leaving this dream and this plan behind, quite possibly never to return, makes me a little sad. Kind of like how when I chose between dance classes and piano lessons as a kid, I quite tearfully gave up my life long dreams of being a ballerina when I grew up. Both were meant to be (apparently) and for the better (to be realized later), but it's still sad to finally be letting go of something I held onto and told myself would happen for so long.

Why am I rambling about all of this? I think I'm realizing more and more that life isn't like Candy Land where you simply move spaces until you reach the ice cream castle. Even if you had to go back a few spaces, the game path was always clear and always the same. Instead, where we end up and how we get there is probably more like the game of Sorry where as a blue game piece we often get bumped around and suddenly find ourselves in the home base of green. But if the plan were so obvious there would be no element of trust or guidance. Mortality wouldn't be a time of probation, but a test of how well we can play Simon Says. Logically it makes sense, but there are some things we don't quite grasp until we experience them enough to internalize it.

Quite simply I am grateful to compare now vs. a year ago and see the stark difference between being in despair about what my life would become, and now about to welcome our daughter into the world and actually having a vague career plan that both includes both being mom and something I care about/can feasibly do. Hopefully I can remember all this the next time I have a quarter life crisis and need some perspective and patience. 

what on earth is Hypnobabies?

For decades there have been Bradley method and Lamaze classes (both created around 1950), two of the most well known birthing methods. In comparison, Hypnobabies is relatively new (since 2001), but I was intrigued to learn more after hearing nothing but high praise for this program. Even my midwife said she saw the best labors in those who had practiced Hypnobabies! Also, one has to wonder if we've created better birthing methods since the 50's. 

Explaining the name
No, there is no hypnotizing of babies. Yes, there is hypnosis, but not the goofy stage hypnosis you're probably picturing. Turns out hypnosis is a natural state of mind we do frequently. Ever missed your exit because you were zoned out driving? Hypnosis. Ever not realized someone was talking to you because you were so absorbed in a book? Hypnosis. Ever day-dreamed in class only to realize you suddenly have no idea what the teacher is talking about? Hypnosis!

Hypnobabies basics 
"Hypnobabies is a very successful 6 week, 3-hour per week, complete childbirth education course that was adapted with permission from Master Hypnotherapist Gerald Kein's "Painless Childbirth Program" techniques rather than using simple relaxation, breathing or guided imagery... Hypnobabies is well known for helping women to create much shorter, easier, and more comfortable labors, making childbirth the joyful experience it was meant to be" ("What is Hypnobabies" - hypnobabies.com).

So what IS hypnosis and how does it work? 
Hypnosis is state where your body and mind are completely relaxed, yet the mind still remains aware and attentive. I like to think of it as a state of deep mindfulness meditation. You are in total control and will only do things you WANT to do. Anyone can be in hypnosis if they are willing. Throughout the course, you listen to many hypnosis relaxation tracks that guide you deeper and deeper into this relaxed state. For more on how it works, read this article from the Hypnobabies website. The article also lists statistics on effectiveness. 

Hypnosis in childbirth 
Our culture has created a sense of fear around childbirth. Fear causes tension, which can create pain, incite more fear, and the cycle continues. When the body and mind are able to relax, the uterine muscles can relax enough for baby to be born. No baby is going to get out of a uterus clamped tightly shut due to the adrenaline that fear causes. But, in birth more than relaxation is required. After all, your body is working hard through a tough process, no matter how natural. Therefore, Hypnobabies moms are taught in-depth hypnotic anesthesia techniques that allow them to enter hypnosis instantly and direct the natural hypno-anesthesia wherever it is needed, creating an easy and comfortable birthing experience. The founder actually used to teach Bradley classes and then Hypnobirthing classes (completely different from Hypnobabies) and found both to be lacking, so she created Hypnobabies. Read that story here. What do we do in the class? A lot of the class is the same as other classes - learning about the stages of labor, common hospital interventions, birth plans, etc. The differences is that Hypno-moms are instructed to only focus on positive messages about birth (to clear out the fear) and practice entering and deepening hypnosis every day. Every day I listen to a pregnancy affirmations track and a hypnosis track. 

I'm still skeptical... 
There is proof it works. If you're into research, here are a number of published studies on using hypnosis in childbirth. Want to read more proof with less research jargon? Here's a list of headlines (with links) where Hypnobabies made the news. Want to see it in action? Check out the Hypnobabies YouTube channel for real videos of real moms in labor using Hypnobabies. Want to experience this kind of hypnosis yourself? Here are some free downloads for anyone to try it! Still confused? That's ok. Honestly, I was too until I started the classes. I also tried to keep my explanations brief, for the sake of retaining an audience, but would be happy to elaborate and answer your questions elsewhere. 

The takeaway
Know that birth can be easy and comfortable if you prepare well using the right method. If you are (or ever will be) looking for a childbirth class, consider Hypnobabies! There exists both in-person classes and a home study course to do on your own time at your own pace. Birth is a wonderful thing, and Hypnobabies can help you experience that. After the birth of our baby, I'll post a follow up on how Hypnobabies worked for me during my birthing time. 

i'm a first time mom and i'm not afraid of childbirth

The other day at lunch we (me and the teachers I work with) were talking about babies and pregnancy. I was asked how I was feeling about my pregnancy and I said great, just starting to panic a little bit about how we don't have many supplies yet (but that's what baby showers are for, right?). Someone else chimed in "what about the birth?!" indicating that that's what they would be most worried about. I simply stated I wasn't worried about that at all, to which I received plenty of "how?!" "why?!" and "well I am"! comments. I suppose that in all my reading of positive birth stories I had forgotten that most everyone else is still afraid of the pains of childbirth. But I'm not, even though this will be my first child. Here is why.

Fear conditioning
All around us, the world talks about the pains of childbirth; we grow up hearing birth horror stories and debates about whether it hurts more to give birth or get kicked in the testicles. Watch any movie or TV show and you'll see a woman lying on her back, screaming in agony, and begging for any and all pain medication (not representative of most births). Luckily, I haven't heard many birth horror stories in my life and have managed to steer clear of them since becoming pregnant, but give yourself a moment to think about how the notion of birth being a 10 on the pain scale might be due (at least in some degree) to our social conditioning.

What if natural birth was just that - natural

One day I realized that the term "natural birth" may be exactly that. Wouldn't it make sense if a woman's body was built to give birth? If you've ever watched an animal give birth, there's never much indication they are laboring, let alone in any kind of pain. They just lay there and then a baby slides out. Can't we have something similar? Conditions in which a woman's pelvis is too small or a baby is too big are actually extremely rare. There are plenty of woman who have given birth peacefully and naturally. Typically this occurs when they are in a relaxed setting with a care provider they trust, having prepared with a method of childbirth that allows them to relax and work/move through contractions. If you don't believe that this is possible, I have plenty of books and birth stories to share with evidence that proves this.

Preparation!
By this point I have read so many birth books that there will be few surprises during my birth experience. Of course, things could go differently than planned, but I've researched all the likely scenarios and their consequences. Perhaps most importantly, I have armed myself with the knowledge needed to create a birth plan and stand up for what I am and am not ok with. I've also read and a watched a lot of positive birth stories, because I feel like that's more helpful than scaring myself with traumatic births - since it doesn't have to be that way. Soon we will be starting our Hypnobabies class - a six week course that provides complete childbirth education, covering not only the birthing process but things like partner support, breastfeeding, nutrition, etc. It's a method that gives the mother the tools to feel her body work through the pressure sensations and even discomfort, without the pain. I have also recently hired a doula, or a birth coach, who will be with me every step of my labor, including coming to my home in earlier labor, to help me through what my husband and I have learned about but never experienced. Bottom line, I have done everything I can to get ready and I feel comforted in that.

Trusting your provider and the birth process

About halfway through my pregnancy I switched care providers: from an OB Dr and hospital birth setting to a midwife and birth center. Now I feel a lot more comfortable with my care provider and I KNOW for a fact that we are on the same page and she will support me in all my birth decisions. I know that I will be able to relax and give birth in a familiar, more home-like setting (the birth center). I know that birth experiences never go exactly as planned, but I trust my midwife completely to do what is best for me and the baby, without me having to fight off unnecessary interventions. I also trust my body to do what it was built to do. 

Birth is empowering
I have been amazed during pregnancy to witness my body's ability to create life. I love feeling the little kicks inside me and I can't wait to meet her. I look forward to being able to bring this babe into the world. Many have described birth as an empowering, even spiritual experience. I look forward to joining the many woman who have earned the title of mother. I recognize that there are many who birth with an epidural, induction, c-section, etc. for various reasons. I also know there are many who have in fact experienced pain during labor and/or a traumatic birth, those are very real. However, I have chosen to birth naturally and have prepared myself with people and tools to guide me through the birth process without unnecessary intervention or pain. I expect it to be a beautiful growth experience. While there may be people who think I'm crazy, naive, or try to persuade me otherwise, at this point I will kindly tune you out and you may see my birth story in a few months.


For anyone interested in more information on natural birth, Hypnobabies, how birth can be empowering etc., I'd be happy to answer questions or share any number of books, videos, and blogs I've read! For starters, here is the calmest birth I've ever seen (no graphic details). It's actually pretty boring, since it's a calm birth, so feel free to skip through to the moment the baby is born.

choosing natural birth

Before I got pregnant and knew anything about birth, if you were to ask me what my birth plans were I'd probably give some vague response about going to a hospital and yes please give me the epidural because I'm scared of the pain. Then I started doing some research.

The Business of Being Born (documentary)
This film (currently on Netflix) was casually recommended to me by a Facebook friend. I would HIGHLY recommend this documentary to everybody, especially those expecting or planning on having kids soon. This was the first thing I watched/read and it totally opened my eyes to what goes on in birth, and even what probably shouldn't. All of a sudden I was left wondering if I should be more involved in planning for my birth instead of just going along with everything my Dr. said.                                                   

Your Best Birth (book)
This book was written a couple years later by the same women who did the documentary film, after they got such a huge positive response to the film. Somehow I picked it up from the library, not even realizing the connection. While the book still leans towards going natural it does a great job of explaining all the options and situations so you can make an informed decision. Plus, since it's a book, it was able to give more detailed information and additional resources. After reading this one, I knew I wanted to go natural (scary!), but wasn't sure how. 

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (book)

Probably the most recommended natural birth book, this book showed me that natural birth is not only completely possibly, but completely natural (duh? should I have known that?). The first half of the book told positive birth stories, which helped me gain confidence in natural birth itself, while the second half guided me through talking to care providers and considering my options. 

Time for MORE BOOKS! 
At this point I wanted all the knowledge I could get. I started joining groups on Facebook (Utah Birth Forum, LDS Natural and Home Birth, Natural Birth Support Group) and asking what other moms recommended as a must read. 

The Gift of Giving Life (book)
For those of a spiritual nature, and particularly for other LDS members, I loved this book. Not only did it share a wide variety of birth stories and situations, but the focus was all about the divine nature of birth and how we must do what is best for our babies. It brought Heavenly Mother into the picture and suggested that birth could be a time close to the veil. There were even stories of women who weren't able to have a natural birth but had spiritual confirmation that what happened was God's plan for their little one. 

Hypnobirthing and Hypnobabies
I also started to read Hypnobirthing: The Mongan Method (highly recommended to me) and even attended a session of a friend's Hypnobirthing class. The first part of the Hypnobirthing book was fascinating. It gave me more info about the actual birth process inside my body (how it worked) and suggested that childbirth can be a comfortable, painless experience, if you practice using the relaxation/breathing techniques it taught. I'd also heard of Hypnobabies, but wasn't sure what the difference was. After asking my Facebook forums and a new midwife I was interviewing, I found that many said that Hypnobabies was more comprehensive and gave a better experience. It also provided relaxation, but as a side effect of anesthetic self-hypnosis it taught (think very deep meditation). Hypnobabies is also a complete childhood education course and covers a lot more than just birth itself. I was sold! I found myself a discounted Hypnobabies class in the area and signed up. I didn't end up finishing the Hypnobirthing book because I didn't feel like it was necessary and it started to relay information I already knew about birth. 

Switching from an OB/hospital to a midwife/birth center 

I knew I wanted a natural birth and wanted to avoid routine hospital procedures such as an IV, continuous fetal monitoring, pitocin, epidural, episiotomy, c-section, etc. as well as include things such as delayed chord clamping, immediate skin to skin contact, delayed bath, undisturbed first hour after birth, breastfeeding, etc. but I wasn't sure I was going to get all that. I'd heard too many stories about new moms with too many interventions because they weren't progressing fast enough, or didn't have the courage to speak up, or were told their baby was in danger. (I have heard many wonderful natural hospital birth stories as well, but I was worried). I also didn't know/trust my OB well and was tired of being rushed through my appointments like another pregnant cow in the herd (something I wrote/rant about in a previous post). So I made the jump and started looking for a birth center. We toured one I had heard good things about, including from a friend I knew, and were able to spend an hour talking to the midwife about what we were looking for in care and in birth. After that there was no turning back. I felt so much more relaxed and less anxious about the whole thing. Plus, their birthing tub was HUGE! I even prayed about the decision to switch and felt like it was my decision to make, so I went with it. 

Finding a doula 

If there's one thing I've heard about those who hire doulas it's that there were no regrets and (if it's not the first child) that they wished they'd used one sooner. At first, I definitely wanted one when planning a hospital birth so she could remind me of what I wanted and give me confidence that I could do it. Now with a wonderful midwife, birth center, and Hypnobabies I wondered if I even needed one, but I decided I heard enough wonderful things that it would probably be worth it. Plus, it's my first child and I'd like to do everything to help me prepare and have a great experience. We haven't decided on a doula yet, but working from the list of doulas the birth center gave me I'm hoping to secure one soon! 

The process continues
There is still so much to do! Our Hypnobabies class starts the beginning of March, I still need to hire a doula, at some point I should find a natural-friendly pediatrician, and I feel like there are even more things I need to research and decide on for what happens with baby post birth. BUT, I am feeling more and more like a confident mamma bear who knows how to look out for herself and her cub. I now have many tools in place to help me and I'm excitedly looking forward to the day I get to birth and meet my little girl. My message to every mother inclined female out there is to do your research, start early(!!!!!), and don't be afraid to do what is best for you and your baby, even if it is your first time and making such big choices can be scary. If anyone has any questions, or would like to talk more about natural birth, I would LOVE to chat with you (even if we don't know each other well).  

to ask, or not to ask: pregnancy questions

There are two kinds of conversations I usually have with people about being pregnant. With friends and family we often chat for a while about how preparations are going, or how I've been lately, and if we're really close I'll rant about my birth plans. For everyone else I come in contact with, they want to feel like they're involved or seem like they are interested so they often ask me the same typical questions. Some questions come up so often I start to find them amusing! Please enjoy the answers to all such questions below. If you really want to get to know me and my pregnancy more, other suggested questions are also listed after that. 

1. What gender are you hoping for?
• A human child? But seriously, how does hoping for one gender help anything. Even if secretly hoping for one or the other I would feel so bad if I had announced I wanted one gender only to find out the other. Then I would only get sympathy over my "disappointment" when really we're just thrilled to be having a baby. 
2. What do you think you'll have?
• Mother's intuition may well indeed be a thing, but we certainly had no clear visions or dreams of our child being a boy or girl. And what if what I thought turned out to be wrong? We decided to skip that whole step and have patience till the anatomy ultrasound. Heck, some people wait till birth to find out gender, so really we didn't even wait that long! 
3. Do you have a name picked out?
• Nope. Not even close. Not something I constantly think or worry about either. This question was asked frequently immediately after we found out the gender. While some may narrow it down to a top boy and girl name before they find out gender, we simply wanted to know gender first so we had half the work to do! 
4. What names are you considering?
• If you are dying to know, there is nothing being seriously considered yet. What names do we like? We're not going to tell you. Sorry, but close friends, family, and even mothers probably won't get to know. I'm the kind of person who won't breathe a word until it's on the baby certificate because I don't want someone's opinion changing what I think about it - no exceptions. Harsh, I know, but isn't this a personal family matter anyway? 
5. How are you feeling? 
• To be fair, this is a valid question. Morning sickness is real and I certainly experienced that. Some even experience it through the entire pregnancy! Luckily, by the time I told the world at 14 weeks, my share was over. It would been more helpful if I'd been asked this question when I was feeling awful, but hey - most people didn't know. There are also plenty of other side effects and ailments that can accompany pregnancy, but for the most part (at least for me) they are just that - side effects. The main event is the growing child, right?! So thanks for asking, but I'm not ill, I'm just pregnant and it feels wonderful. 
6. Can the baby come to kindergarten? 
• Most commonly asked by the 5 year olds I spend my days with, but it's still cute how every time they see me they ask if it's coming yet and if I'll bring it to school. Sorry kids, but baby will be born around the end of the school year and I'll be staying away from germ infested places for a while after that. 

Safe questions

• How far along are you? 
• What has been the most fun part about being pregnant? 
• What's it like to feel the baby inside you? 
• Is pregnancy what you were expecting? 
• What are you doing for the baby's room?
• How is [insert anything else about my life] going?

Questions I'm dying to be asked

• Tell me about the latest baby book you've been reading.
• Why are you looking forward to a natural birth? 
• How can I help you get ready?
• What advice are you looking for? 
• Can I bring you a meal or help clean your house after baby is born?

tender mercies and pregnancy tears

When I got home from work today I couldn't find my phone and panicked. It wasn't in my purse, my coat, the car, and I concluded I must have left it at the elementary school I work at. It was a few minutes before 4:00pm, the time the school closes, so I grabbed my keys and prayed that I could get back quickly and that someone would still be there (I live two miles away). 

I got to the school, a few cars were there and I could tell someone was still in the office, but the door was locked. I don't have a key. Trying not to lose all hope I started pounding on the door, but let's face it - that effort was pretty useless. Luckily another teacher (one of the few in the school who knows who I am) saw me and came to unlock the door for me (tender mercy #1). 

I ran into the office, grateful the secretaries were still there (tender mercy #2), and asked if they could help me get into the classroom. I had no idea if they would have been able to, but apparently they have keys (tender mercy #3). I was able to get into the classroom, grab the phone, and head back home crying happy tears (that I'm going to claim were pregnancy and hormone induced) all the way home. 

I'd like to think I'm not that attached to my phone, but the thought of a weekend without being able to contact anyone had me devastated. I'm so grateful I was able to get it back through a series of events that was too coincidental to be simply luck. Thank goodness for a God who cares and watches out for me, even when it comes to silly little things like getting my phone back. 

rant: US prenatal care

Most of us trust doctors. I trust doctors! But recently I've been learning about how that trust shouldn't be blind trust and we should be our own health advocates.

Why be skeptic of Drs., specifically with prenatal care? I have been doing a lot of reading lately, particularly on labor and birth, and it turns out those in obstetrics don't always have the best ideas for everyone since they are trained to handle problematic pregnancies and births, not normal ones. Please feel free to do your own research on the subject, but there are all sorts of typical procedures and interventions that are not only not necessary, but aren't a good idea either. There are now birth guidelines that suggest avoiding routine episiotomies and electronic fetal monitoring, delaying cord clamping, letting the baby room in instead of going to a nursery, avoiding elective cesareans that don't have a good reason, etc. Not to mention the bad birth practices of cold, uninviting hospital rooms, laboring on one's back which restricts pelvis size, not letting woman eat or drink during labor, and wanting labor to progress within a time limit! Have I mentioned how the US has the highest rates for c-sections and is considered one of the worst developed countries in terms of prenatal care and birth outcomes? Gah! The reasons we got to this place are mostly historical and not medically based by the way. Fascinating to read about.

The main reason all this boils my blood is the lack of transparency. Women often go through all the prenatal testing and birth interventions suggested and many do so without skipping a beat, but don't we have options? Shouldn't we know exactly what is going on and why? It would be great if before each next step the Dr. explained the exact procedure, research backing up the reliability and validity of the results and necessity of the procedure, the pros and cons, and then said we recommend _______, but discuss it with your partner and let us know what you decide. Does this ever happen? No. Typically for a prenatal appointment you wait in the waiting room for a long while, are told a test is going to be done, then it's done. You may see the Dr. for 5 minutes when he asks if you have any questions, but really he's already late for the next woman and you walk out of the office wondering if anyone will ever sit down and talk with you about what pregnancy is really like instead of passing you off as another patient.

My information on such a topic has not only come from personal experiences but from HOURS of book reading, journal article reading, internet searches, and the positive and negative opinions of both those I know and those I don't. In anything we do, we should all inform ourselves, but has any of this information come from my OB office? No. Have they pointed me towards any resources? No. Have they done anything wrong? Well, technically no, but do I feel well informed or well taken care of? No. I'm just another pregnant sheep in the herd.

There are both plenty of care providers who do a wonderful job and plenty of woman who are fighting to be more informed and involved in the decisions about their own bodies, so I know I'm not the only one with a bone to pick on this topic. I am also clearly willing to do my own research and fight my own fight. But you know what? I'm a little tired of fighting today. It's a little exhausting to put so much effort into my own research just so I can feel like I have a basic understanding of what is going on, let alone make decisions and defend them. I'm slightly tempted to move to the Netherlands for the best care. Anyone else?