how is my baby almost a year?!

Lyla's birthday is coming up and I'm getting emotional about it. A year ago I was due and a year ago I held my tiny baby in my arms for the first time. She’s gotten so big since and her personality blossoms every day. How things have changed!

Birth is a vulnerable thing so looking back on how that exhausting time opened my heart to a tiny little soul brings tears to my eyes. My thoughtful midwives sent Lyla a birthday card in the mail today and it just brought waves of memories back. 

But some of those tears are memories of hard times. 9 or 10 months ago if you’d suggested the year would go by quickly I’d have thrown something at you. The first four months dragged by and it wasn’t until 6 months that I felt I was enjoying motherhood. The nights were long and some days seemed even longer as I spent hours trying to rock my sobbing child, begging the clock to go faster and bring my husband home. 

There were good moments too: baby coos, first smiles and giggles, early crawling and climbing, watching as Lyla gradually let herself be known in this world. It’s been fun to see her develop at her own pace and show us her interests. I feel honored to be her safe place where she wants to find refuge. I still love every cuddle and nursing session that we have. 

Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done and this season of patience and sacrifice isn’t one I always embrace willingly but I do know that I love my little girl with all my heart. I can’t believe we made it. One year down, many to go. 

To all the mothers out there: enjoy what you can, endure what you have to, and ask for help at every turn. So far what they say is true - the days go by slowly but the years go by quickly. It’s a little sad that my sweet girl will never be so tiny and dependent again, yet on the other hand I’m excited to see what the next few years bring. 

Lyla-bug, I love you my baby girl. You will always be the one who made me a mother. 

breastfeeding: the "if" vs. "when" attitude

*disclaimer: this can be a hot button topic and I am going to try to be as respectful and sensitive as I can while still conveying my message*

Lyla breastfeeding as a newborn

Breastfeeding can be a wonderful relationship with a bond only a mother and child can share. But it's not always easy. Many people go through rough patches (which is oh so common as you both adjust!) and some decide they want to switch to formula instead. I always say that a breastfeeding relationship is more likely to be successful if the mom has knowledge, support, and confidence in the process. Confidence can come from success but it can also come from having supportive family and friends who don't doubt you from the beginning. And that is where I want to focus.

I have noticed a potentially problematic general public attitude of "if" you can breastfeed (and before you get fired up about that statement, just hear me out). Note that the decision of whether to breastfeed or not is a very personal one and either way it's important that you do what's best for you and baby. But I said "if" you CAN not "if" you CHOOSE. The reality is most women around the world are physically able to breastfeed.

And yet it can be so devastating to discontinue when you really wanted to make it work and we want avoid making moms who stop early feel bad, because that's definitely not nice or productive. But in our efforts to avoid upsetting those who struggled to breastfeed, it would seem that the general public tiptoes around the subject entirely, even to the point that we don't encourage people to keep trying when they want to. We may assume everyone is going to run into such struggles that they want to quit.

I get that we don't want to set moms up for feeling like failures if they don't continue to feed their baby that way, but I think this general attitude has gone too far the other direction. I even wonder if this cautious approach has made it difficult for some moms who want to breastfeed but who don't have the knowledge or support it takes. If an individual mom tells herself that she's just going to just try breastfeeding and see how it goes (and then only continue if it works out), that's totally fine! It may even help her not to set high expectations from the start. But the general inclination seems to be that we're going to assume that everyone is going to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula at some point, which simply isn't true.

For example, in one forum a women asked why stay at home moms like to pump and have a stash if they are always with baby. Comments often said they wanted an emergency stash in case something happened (makes sense) but many also said they wanted a stash for WHEN their milk dried up (the assumption being that it inevitably would before they were ready to stop). I've heard the advice given that you should give baby some formula every now and then so they get used to the taste for WHEN you can't breastfeed anymore and need to switch to formula (see, this one makes no sense because offering formula before there's a need can impact and decrease your supply). If the general message given is that no matter what you do or how hard you try, you're probably going to need formula at some point, not only is this not accurate for everyone, but it's discouraging for the moms who are actually doing well but being told to doubt themselves anyways.

Again, I don't want to presume anything about why anyone stops breastfeeding, and I don't think having confidence will solve all problems. But my message here is that many moms who are doing great have family, friends, and even strangers who question their abilities and set back the breastfeeding relationship when they were doing just fine without the negative pressure.

Yes, let's support all moms no matter how they decide to feed their baby. But let's also actually support moms who want to make breastfeeding work. It's ok to say that it's ok to switch to formula if it's too hard, but you know what? It's also ok to persevere and try to keep going. It's ok to be confident in breastfeeding, even from the start when things are a bit tricky.  It's ok to not buy formula "just in case" and to plan on breastfeeding for two years with no thoughts about drying up early.

It's said that we shouldn't assume every mom is going to breastfeed. But let's also not assume that every mom is going to inevitably switch to formula. Let's let the mom lead and then offer genuine support whatever direction she decides to go.

let the old advice die

As time goes on we learn more and more about how babies grow and develop and what the best ways to raise them are. Our guiding organizations change their guidelines and new books are written telling us we now know better and here are the new rules. The problem is, old advice still lingers and causes confusion, especially when coming from a source we trust. Most of this is due to misinformation or simply not knowing the new advice. Our grandparents may not be as in the know about current baby practices as when they were raising babies of their own and unfortunately even Drs aren’t always required to stay up to date on topics other than medicine (such as nutrition or breastfeeding).

So how do you know what is best and current? Fact check what you hear with the World Health Organization or American Academy of Pediatrics websites and always go to an expert in the subject you want to know more on (eg. a certified lactation consultant when struggling with breastfeeding). You can even turn around and then inform those around you, especially those who gave you inaccurate advice (just be sensitive, tactful, and cite your sources - face to face conversations also work better). 

Sounds easy right? Except there are many who cling to old advice and still propagate it, even arguing it is better than current recommendations. Many claim that these old practices “still work” or are “good enough”. They may say “well my kid turned out fine” or “what is wrong with how I did things?”. All these statements have a basic underlying assumption: because current practice is different from what I did then, I must have been wrong and/or a bad parent and therefore I need to defend my practices. 

It is not necessarily easy to accept there are better ways to do things than you knew, but that’s the point - we didn’t know better yet! Changing standards are not a reflection of you as a parent, they are simply a sign of changing times and advances in science. And because of that it is time to let the old advice die. New advice is not an attack on your parenting skills. Yes kids may have “turned out just fine” but don’t we want kids to do more than just survive? Don’t we want our kids to thrive and turn out better than we did? 

I know so many friends who have parents, grandparents or other family members who pressure them with old advice, insisting that they know best. It makes it hard for young moms to do what they know is current while maintaining a good relationship with these family members who take the new practices as a personal affront. Let it go! Easier said than done, but to support moms today it’s often necessary to take a humble pill and focus on THEM and not our experience. 

My dad said to me once “if you can raise Lyla better than we raised you than more power to you”. I loved that! It let me know my parents have my back and support me. I know they won’t be pressuring me to do what they did just because they did it, but to do my own research and do what’s best for Lyla right now. 

I think if every parent/grandparent/etc. adopted that attitude there’d be a little more support instead of contention. And because I’d rather not be labeled as a hypocrite I will try to do the same when I become a grandparent in the far future. Until then, I will support the friends who don’t have that kind of attitude in their family because goodness knows there are many. 

Does your family pressure you to follow outdated advice? What is it? What do you do about it? Let’s discuss.

the fear of mom shaming

Bullying sucks and unfortunately it’s not always left on the playground as we grow up. Mom shaming is real and it can hurt. For the most part we’re all doing what we think is best for our kids. It’s important to let moms evaluate the information and risks of various situations and then decide what is best for their kid and their family - that’s part of the job description. However, sometimes we are so afraid of offending we tiptoe a little too lightly. Sometimes the fear of being called judgemental gets in the way of sharing good information. Sometimes we get shamed for misinterpreted “mom shaming”.

What do I mean by this? When information is shared, often times if it is an opposing viewpoint, it is sometimes interpreted as a personal attack. Just because I do things differently doesn’t mean I think you’re a bad person who is setting your kids up for certain failure. But it also doesn’t mean I’m going to apologize for advocating what I believe to be the best practice.

For example, breast vs. bottle feeding. It is a fact that babies need food, I think we can all agree on that. Unfortunately as I've tried to educate and promote breastfeeding, I've been shut down by the phrase "fed is best" because I shouldn't offend moms who can't breastfeed or choose not to. Except that wasn't my point. My point was to share breastfeeding resources. My point was that moms who have more knowledge and support are more likely to continue breastfeeding. It's a proven fact that breastmilk has more components and beneficial qualities than formula, but that doesn't mean I hate formula!

I've come across this attitude in way too many situations. If I advocate for waiting for babies to be born when they are ready, I'm not sensitive to those who've been told by their Drs to induce (yes medical inductions are necessary but many inductions are elective and unnecessary). If I tell a mom to consider waiting to start solids with her 4m old even though her Dr said it was ok to start (AAP says 6 months) than I apparently I'm telling her to not listen to medical professionals. If I ask a mom why she plans to wean at one because did she know there's many benefits of breastmilk beyond that age (the WHO even recommends a minimum of 2yrs), then I'm being nosy and should stay out of her business and not make her feel bad for weaning. If I tell a mom to listen to her gut when she says she can't stand to hear her baby cry at night to try a more gentle option than cry-it-out (potential negative side effects according to multiple sources) then I must not think that getting enough sleep is of the utmost importance. Apparently if I ask about the rational behind any moms decision that I don't trust her or think she's doing the wrong thing. Can you see I'm a little fed up here?

Sometimes people don't know what they don't know and if I never raise questions or suggest other options than it's a missed opportunity for learning. In fact, usually the original question asker is thankful for the extra information to consider and it's other moms who come along saying "hey, leave her alone, why are you questioning or suggesting other options?". Or one my favorites is "hey, how dare you tell her to not listen to her Dr at all costs!", nevermind trying to ask the Dr why, or finding a second opinion, or praying about it.

I will always try to be sensitive but I am not afraid to raise my voice with an opinion contrary to mainstream thought. And yet I still hesitate before I share information because I have to ask myself if trying to help is worth the risk of being labeled a mom-shamer and having to defend myself. How is that fair? Yes we need to support moms in need but not at the expense of those trying to help.

I guess my point is to think a little more carefully about what you're saying in these advice giving situations. Please don't start drama where it was never asked for. Please don't assume those sharing information of an opposing viewpoint are out to degrade and offend. Please be open to considering non-mainstream options if they have research to back it. Please pray about what is best in each situation. Let's be a little kinder to EVERYONE. Kindness makes the world go round.

(ok, rant over. but seriously, I'm so tired of this. anyone else ever get attacked for suggesting other options? how to do you handle it?) 

A review on Minimalism: a documentary about important things

I just finished watching "Minimalism: a documentary about important things" and it reminded me of why I embrace this way of life, but it also make me glad to have a divine purpose and perspective in my life. Here are some main takeaways and reflections I had about this documentary. 

Main takeaways 

• Stuff doesn’t make you happy. The thrill of the hunt gets you an item but then the thrill is gone, the void is there, and you feel even emptier. 

• People matter most. The relationships we have give way more meaning to our lives than what we can do or acquire. 

• Things crowd our lives. When we get rid of the excess, things are simpler and healthier. It’s like the fog has been lifted from our eyes and we are life anew. 

• Minimalism at its core is about living intentionally. When you are deliberate with your choices and your actions you not only keep to only what you need but you also live a life of integrity. 

Reflections 

So many individuals interviewed said they found themselves lost in consumerism with a lack of purpose. Having less and being intentional does clarify life, but purpose comes in knowing why we are here and who we are. I know I am a daughter of God and because of that I have an inherent worth to my soul. I don’t need to prove myself worthy of love, or consume to feel whole because God’s love will always be there to breathe importance into who I am. My ultimate goal is to become like Him and while minimalism helps me focus on that goal, it didn’t create it. I loved this film because it highlighted the many reasons I believe in doing more with less, but it also showcased the lack of perspective our world has for the reasons we are here on this earth. We are here to learn, to build families, and to practice righteous living that we may one day live with our Father in Heaven. 

Bottom line, I enjoyed watching the film and if you're looking to be inspired or fuel your minimalism fire, go watch it! But also remember that while stuff should not define who you are, neither does minimalism - your worth is inherent as a child of God.

today I miss “me”

Today wasn’t necessarily a hard day. Naps were ok, we saw friends at playgroup, we went on a walk. And yet as I lay here reflecting on what we did, I miss the old me. I miss the me that got to stay up and go out. I miss the me that could eat a peaceful meal and go the bathroom by herself. I miss the me that thought about me.

I recognize there are times and seasons for every stage of life and this is one where it's more about the littles, but that doesn't mean accepting it is always easy. Most of the time I can, but then there are days like today where I remember how it was so EASY to only worry about myself. How simple life would be if I could fill my days with hobbies, evenings with tv shows, and maybe even actually get household chores done consistently. And yet, how unfulfilling is that compared to what I do now.

Brene Brown tells us that if we shy away from things that are uncomfortable and uncertain, we limit ourselves. It is by leaning into vulnerability that we experience the full, broad range of emotions, including great joy. Parenting can be hard, but what joy there is in have a little person who loves you wholeheartedly. To know you are responsible for helping them to grow and flourish. The excited breathing and big gummy grin my girl gets when she sees me warms my heart so much!

But not today. Today I am just forlorn. And that is ok. Feelings pass and it's ok to feel sad, or angry, or upset. Today I will sit in and lean into my discomfort, knowing that perhaps a greater feeling of joy is around the corner. One day I will have more time for myself and I will miss the little snuggles and gummy grins. There are times and seasons for all feelings. 

looking back: 2017

This year both flew by faster than any previous year and had some of the slowest days of my life. The biggest event of the year was welcoming Lyla into our family on May 10th. The rest of the year also revolved around her and my journey into motherhood. Here's a review...

Part 1: waiting for baby (Jan-April)

• Switched health care providers to a midwife/birth center and felt SO at peace with it
• Cameron went through his own nesting phase and put our 72 hr kits together
• Trip to Florida at Valentines where we took maternity pictures
• Posted my blog and was overwhelmed by the positive response
• Felt overwhelmed by gathering baby items but confident in my life path (good-bye quarter life crisis)
• Found Hypnobabies and looked forward to birthing time 
• Felt like baby would never come and got tired of pesky questions 

Part 2: newborn days are hard (May-Aug)

• Overwhelming love for our little human
• Lots of Netflix and sleeping
• Lots of crying, both by mom and baby
• Obsessed over baby sleep
• Embraced emotions, hormones, and uncertainty; questioned if I would ever leave the house again
• Celebrated our Anniversary and first date out away from Lyla 
• Felt support by family, friends, and even complete strangers that helped get me through

Part 3: confidence in motherhood (Sept-Dec)

• Finally enjoyed being a mom
• Watched as Lyla learned to roll, sit, crawl, stand and start eating
• Started reading a ton of gentle parenting books 
• Had play dates with baby friends, went to playgroup and library story time
• Embraced minimalism and purged a lot 
• Celebrated Christmas with my family for the first time in 3 years
• Attended my sister's wedding 

This year I've learned that sometimes the best life strategy is to not have one at all, but to take things as they come and adapt where you can. I want to continue this in 2018 by embracing whatever happens and trying to improve myself along the way. Here are some more of my goals for this year...

• Keep connection my #1 goal with Lyla, even as we anticipate potential sleep regressions, tantrums, and picky eating
• Make my marriage a priority. I’m my strongest mama bear when I remember I’m a wife first
• Continue to read gentle parenting books
• Keep the clutter out! 
• Gradually minimize waste and bring in more reusable products instead
• Quill an “L” for Lyla’s room 

I usually don’t make resolutions because they feel forced and never end up happening, but I do think it’s a good chance to reflect and set new goals. So this year I’m trying again and being more intentional with them. 2017 was both a joy and an emotional roller coaster and I’m genuinely excited to continue to watch Lyla grow and see what else this year brings.

Happy New Year!