The first few days consisted of my laying in bed, trying to get the hang of feeding my baby, while my mom (and Cameron when he was home) constantly brought me food, helped me to the bathroom, or went to fetch another padcicle (those things are heavenly). Then, when my mom left on day 6 and Cameron eventually had to go back to work after a few days off, things got a bit harder. I'd like to think of myself as someone who has learned to effectively recognize, reflect on, and learn from my emotions, but this was different. I felt like my emotions were out of control and there were so many things I was feeling at once, but couldn't put words or a name to them. It was just a constant swirl of intense feelings that made me burst into tears at odd moments. I cried when my mom drove away, I cried when Lyla gave her hunger cry, I cried because I didn't want Lyla to grow bigger like I saw my friends' babies doing, I cried at various moments in the show we watched, and I leaked tears as I laid down for bed, simply because I felt an overwhelming overload of feelings that I couldn't explain and didn't know what to do with. It was odd and I didn't feel like myself. I was scared to be alone at home with the baby and I begged Cameron to take just a bit more time off work. I was also terrified that these baby blues would turn into something more serious.
Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who held me, asked me to try and explain what I was feeling, and offered to give me a priesthood blessing. In the blessing he gave me I was told that the turmoil I was feeling would soon cease, but that I should also reach out to those around me (family, friends, church members) who were more than willing to help and lend support. That night I felt calm wash over me and I knew that, as had been said in the blessing, angels were watching over me and my little girl.
The next day wasn't quite so overwhelming, I just felt a bit out of sorts and still oddly weepy. Each day after that got slightly better to which I credit time, the Lord, my friends I keep messaging, and the placenta pills I've been taking. Now at 13 days postpartum I'd like to think I'm starting to be functional (I took a shower today without anyone home to hold the baby!), though I still appreciate meals and visitors, and I'll probably be a hermit watching Netflix for a little while longer. Oh, and the tears still occationally catch me off guard and sneak out when I don't expect them. My mom once told me that after having one of us, two weeks later she started feeling more normal, but it wasn't until six weeks of recovery that she started to really have a handle on life. I guess that 6 week benchmark exists for a reason. I'm still a few weeks away from that 6 week mark, but I'm moving through everyday, taking baby steps towards adapting to my new life.
So far my goals for each day include doing one productive thing, trying to wear clothes, reading scriptures, and taking a nap. For now it's ok if the rest of the day is simply filled with feedings, staring at Lyla, or watching another cooking show (guilty pleasure).
For all you mammas excitedly awaiting your baby's arrival, I hope this gives you a glimpse of what lies beyond. Know that there will be a mix of loving snuggly moments, frustrated tears of doubt, and times when you're not sure of what you're feeling. Know that all of the above is normal and it is important to have people to tend to you, friends you can message, and resources if needed. Remember that it took nine months to get here and it will take plenty of recovery time to adjust. Stay in your pajamas, stay hopeful, and enjoy your little bundle of joy. Consider me a resource if you need one and if you haven't already, look into encapsulating your placenta (helps balance hormones, speed up recovery, increase energy and boost milk supply).
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