waiting for baby

Today is five days past my due date and we are still waiting for baby girl to decide it's time to join the world. It's a weird place to be - completely "ready" and just waiting for something to happen. I've heard all the jokes about running a race, or jumping on a trampoline, etc to get labor started, but in a sense I'm just content to wait and let her come when she's ready. I trust that my body and my baby know when the time is right. Babies are born on their birthdays, not when doctors or when due dates decide. Dates are only an estimation after all and studies have shown that even when conception is known and calculated correctly, gestation can vary amongst women by up to five weeks. These are all the things I remind myself, and yet waiting is still hard. 

This pregnancy has been pretty smooth going, certainly compared to many friends I know, and at this point I'm not even uncomfortable, I'm just tired and a bit tired of waiting. Tired of having nothing to do but wait. Tired of going another day without my little girl in my arms. Tired of people asking if I've had the baby yet (don't worry, I'll let you know!). We get so eager for the end and for that date they've given us to arrive that we don't put much thought into what happens if nature takes a little longer. 

Luckily, my midwives and birth center will let me go up to 43 weeks if need be, which is perfectly normal and safe. I know some that have imposed "deadlines" sooner than that. For me, I know there is no sound reason to induce, and I would rather not push eject before she's ready. We don't even check dilation and effacement because it says nothing about when my birthing time will truly begin. Statistically, most first time moms go over their due date anyways. 

And yet I still feel a little disappointed in what seems to be the lack of progress so far. I know there are plenty of mom's who have had to wait longer than me and I know that she will come eventually. But this is my and my baby's journey and these feelings are real. I'm feeling lost in the limbo between pregnancy and motherhood. I'm feeling a sense of loss for my old life and yet an eagerness to begin this new one. I'm feeling saddened every time I see another birth announcement that is not mine. I'm feeling vulnerable every time someone asks if baby is here yet and why I haven't gotten induced yet. I'm feeling like it will take forever before I get to hold my baby. And I'm even feeling guilty about feeling these things because I know my baby and I are healthy and all it will take is a little more time. 

I have no wrap up to this reflection; nothing to take away from it, or anything I've really learned. Mostly I just needed to write these things down to acknowledge that they are real. It's real to feel down and tired and impatient and to not have a solution or a happy ending yet. It's even real to shed a tear or two over it all. Sometimes that's just life and we need to be reminded of that.