"it gets easier." i hope.

*Disclaimer: I need to be real and candid right now because there have so many times when talking to people that I wasn't. I usually try to stay positive in my posts, but the reality is that I'm not always positive and some days just suck. I don't want people to take pity on me and I don't want to be seen as complaining, just real. We're doing ok, I promise, I just need to get a few things off my chest.*

I love when people ask about my baby and how we're doing. I agree when people comment on how she's so cute and she's gotten so big. But the narrative inside my head is completely different from what I tell them.

How's she doing? Things have gotten better, I'll say. And it's true! We no longer spend 2hrs trying to get her to sleep in the evening, there's less screaming and crying over all, and she has really happy smiley moments when she's awake. But what I don't say is that I still hold her for all her naps (approx. 5-6 hrs a day, sometimes as long as 3.5hrs at once) and often end up in bed with her by 7:30pm. I don't mention that I often get frustrated with the 45 mins it takes me to get her to sleep, only to have her wake up 20 minutes later. I also don't tell you that we never leave the house because 45 mins after she wakes up she's tired again which isn't much time to do anything other than feed us both, change a diaper, and maybe shower or have a bit of tummy time. You see, she no longer falls asleep in the car, stroller, sling, etc. The one way that works is bouncing on an exercise ball by a fan for white noise while making "shh"ing sounds. This set up is clearly not available at the store, at church, or even other people's houses. 

How's she sleeping? Is she sleeping through the night? No. She wakes up around 4 times. But to me, this is normal for a baby her age. It hardly phases me, honestly. We bedshare (following all safety guidelines) so it's easy to get her latched, eat for 10 minutes, and fall back asleep. What often is unintentionally implied in this question is that by asking about night sleep you assume day sleep is fine, when in fact that is my biggest struggle. Because I'm so protective of her day time naps, it's all I do. No housework, no errands, no friends, no hobbies. I've come to terms with it and accepted it as my motherly sacrifice to meet her needs, but it's still hard sometimes. 

She's gotten so big! Yes, I know. I've even said this to others about their babies. But what you're saying is "I haven't been with her every day so it seems to me like time has flown by and she's so much bigger than she was." Meanwhile, for me time passes slowly: some good days, lots of hard ones, and often wishing for times to pass quicker to when "it gets easier" as everyone promises. Because let's face it, motherhood is anything BUT easy. Totally worth it, but not easy. 

We're coming out of the fog of the "fourth trimester" and leaving her newborn days behind us, which honestly is a big relief. I recently realized that I must have been given this special high-needs girl because Heavenly Father knew that I would do everything I could to gently parent her as best I knew how. He knew I would give it my all to research what was best for her and put my wants on hold to give her everything she needs. He knew I could endure long days, achy arms, and tiring nights because she means that much to me. Because I know I am the perfect person to mother my baby, I soldier on. I look forward to easier days and imagine us playing in the park one day. It gets easier right? Right?! Please?

i've found the secret to parenting

As a new parent it's common to worry if you're doing things right. It's also common to get advice blasted at you from every corner. Therefore it's also easy to get swept up in all the advice and get confused, especially if any of that advice is conflicting. We want to do what's best for our babies and not set them up on any trajectories that will prove problematic later.

Enter the main parent worry: sleep. We'd like them to eventually sleep through the night, fall asleep on their own, and get good naps during the day. But newborns start with odd sleeping habits and schedules that if you don't know much about them can cause extra worry that you're not doing things right. Or as least it did for me. You see, my baby likes to sleep in my arms. For every nap and all through the night. We have to rock her to sleep (read: swaddle baby, bounce on the exercise ball next to a fan, while making shhhhing noises) every time and in the evening this often takes hours until she finally closes her eyes. BUT WAIT! Does this mean she will never nap outside my arms? Am I creating a bad habit? Will I ever have time to myself or to get things done? How will she learn if I always let her sleep on me? Etc. Etc. Etc. These were the thoughts that plagued me. I read sleep books, I looked at sleep forums, and all this made me even more concerned.

And then it dawned on me. The person who knows best how my baby should sleep is my baby. Newborns need to be coddled at every moment because they are born immature compared to every other creature and they need our help as parents to feel safe, fall asleep, and stay asleep. There is no possibility of spoiling a baby and no they are not capable of self soothing. So why stress?

Suddenly everything got easier. Do I get more done? Nope, I barely get anything done. Does she sleep outside my arms? Nope, but I trust the time will come when she is willing to do so. Now and then I give it a try to see if the time is right. Do I plan on sleep training? There will be no babies left to cry in this house, not even for a minute.

It's all about perspective and I'm choosing to change mine. I'm coming to terms with the reality of baby sleep and trading temporary "productivity" for snuggles with my little girl. I'd say it's more productive to foster a nurturing relationship and give my baby what she needs to feel happy and safe. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make even if there are moments I wish differently. I've realized I have a high-needs baby and that's ok (I'll just ignore all the unicorn babies who don't have sleep issues). She won't want to sleep on my lap forever (though sometimes I wonder) and one day I'll miss her tiny body nestled against mine.

My biggest piece of advice to new parents would be to follow your baby's lead and tend to his/her every need. Do your research, then listen to your gut, and ignore everybody who thinks they know what you should be doing. They don't because only your baby does. Once you realize this, stop stressing, and let go of the guilt. You will feel a lot better. Parenting itself may not get easier but it will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. I know I felt it. 

***

For those who also have high needs babies, or just need some support, I'd recommend reading this article on accepting the reality of infant and toddler sleep, this article on loving the "bad habit" of bed-sharing, and joining the Sleepy Littles group on Facebook. 

confession: today was hard. again.

Sometimes I love staying at home with my little Lyla-bug and cuddling with her on the couch as I read a new book and stare at her cute sleeping face. Today was not one of those days. Today I felt like a sleep deprived zombie wandering around the house waiting for time to pass. I'm not sure which was worse - wanting the day to quickly pass or wanting time to stop so another day wouldn't show up.

Today I prolonged getting out of bed because we were up almost every hour throughout the night. Today I was proud to get a shower, but then had to quickly dry off and nurse my hungry baby while I was still naked. Today I tried to follow the advice to "sleep when baby sleeps", but after only half an hour she woke up again. Today I stood at the window waiting for my husband to come home, knowing full well that even when he did baby would probably want to stay in my arms and attached at the breast. Today we stayed in pajamas because why bother?

I am grateful that most days I have an easy baby who doesn't cry much. I am grateful that so far my postpartum recovery has gone pretty smoothly. I am grateful we easily breastfeed with no problems. But that doesn't mean I'm grateful for today.

I sometimes feel guilty because I've managed to escape so many of the problems other moms have, yet it's still true that sometimes I want a break, I want to walk away, I want time with my husband and no baby, or I want to be able to get water or go to the bathroom when I need to without having to move a sleeping baby off of me first. People say it will get better, get easier, becomes less boring, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck in the hard times of now. And that's exactly how it feels - stuck.

Lyla's newborn pictures

These were actually taken when Lyla was 3 1/2 weeks old, with major thanks to marielongphotography.com who came to our rescue after I was sorely disappointed with our first photographer's pictures. These ones turned out to be everything I wanted and I would highly recommend her to anyone! 

the postpartum rollarcoaster

It's hard to think about the days post-birth when you're simply counting down and waiting for baby to come. I did prepare as much as I was able and in terms of "stuff" (baby things ready, freezer meals, care items for down below), I was set. I had researched postpartum depression a bit and gathered resources just in case (which I haven't needed thankfully) and I knew my hormones would be "all over the place", but I didn't quite know what that meant. I don't feel like anyone told me details of what that might look like and so that is my goal here. 

The first few days consisted of my laying in bed, trying to get the hang of feeding my baby, while my mom (and Cameron when he was home) constantly brought me food, helped me to the bathroom, or went to fetch another padcicle (those things are heavenly). Then, when my mom left on day 6 and Cameron eventually had to go back to work after a few days off, things got a bit harder. 

I'd like to think of myself as someone who has learned to effectively recognize, reflect on, and learn from my emotions, but this was different. I felt like my emotions were out of control and there were so many things I was feeling at once, but couldn't put words or a name to them. It was just a constant swirl of intense feelings that made me burst into tears at odd moments. I cried when my mom drove away, I cried when Lyla gave her hunger cry, I cried because I didn't want Lyla to grow bigger like I saw my friends' babies doing, I cried at various moments in the show we watched, and I leaked tears as I laid down for bed, simply because I felt an overwhelming overload of feelings that I couldn't explain and didn't know what to do with. It was odd and I didn't feel like myself. I was scared to be alone at home with the baby and I begged Cameron to take just a bit more time off work. I was also terrified that these baby blues would turn into something more serious. 

Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who held me, asked me to try and explain what I was feeling, and offered to give me a priesthood blessing. In the blessing he gave me I was told that the turmoil I was feeling would soon cease, but that I should also reach out to those around me (family, friends, church members) who were more than willing to help and lend support. That night I felt calm wash over me and I knew that, as had been said in the blessing, angels were watching over me and my little girl. 

The next day wasn't quite so overwhelming, I just felt a bit out of sorts and still oddly weepy. Each day after that got slightly better to which I credit time, the Lord, my friends I keep messaging, and the placenta pills I've been taking. Now at 13 days postpartum I'd like to think I'm starting to be functional (I took a shower today without anyone home to hold the baby!), though I still appreciate meals and visitors, and I'll probably be a hermit watching Netflix for a little while longer. Oh, and the tears still occationally catch me off guard and sneak out when I don't expect them. 

My mom once told me that after having one of us, two weeks later she started feeling more normal, but it wasn't until six weeks of recovery that she started to really have a handle on life. I guess that 6 week benchmark exists for a reason. I'm still a few weeks away from that 6 week mark, but I'm moving through everyday, taking baby steps towards adapting to my new life. 

So far my goals for each day include doing one productive thing, trying to wear clothes, reading scriptures, and taking a nap. For now it's ok if the rest of the day is simply filled with feedings, staring at Lyla, or watching another cooking show (guilty pleasure). 

For all you mammas excitedly awaiting your baby's arrival, I hope this gives you a glimpse of what lies beyond. Know that there will be a mix of loving snuggly moments, frustrated tears of doubt, and times when you're not sure of what you're feeling. Know that all of the above is normal and it is important to have people to tend to you, friends you can message, and resources if needed. Remember that it took nine months to get here and it will take plenty of recovery time to adjust. Stay in your pajamas, stay hopeful, and enjoy your little bundle of joy. Consider me a resource if you need one and if you haven't already, look into encapsulating your placenta (helps balance hormones, speed up recovery, increase energy and boost milk supply). 

Lyla's birth story

A few days before it all started I had been feeling crampy off and on and hoped it was a sign of things to come soon. The Saturday before she was born I lost my mucus plug and again crossed my fingers for a baby soon. Monday evening I started feeling pressure waves and when it was time for sleep, I couldn't. Cameron and I started timing them and listened to the "Your Birthing Time Begins" track from Hypnobabies. Through the night we timed waves, had tracks playing out loud, and moved through different positions. A few hours in, waves were coming about 4 minutes apart and we called our doula, Jennie, over to help us. At this point the commotion woke up my mom and she joined us upstairs to help me out. By 2am, waves were still close together and lasting around a minute long so we decided it was time to head to the birth center. I also had thrown up, was really shaky, and had started to vocalize with each wave - all possible signs of transition. 

At the birth center my midwife Heather and her assistant hurried to get things ready as I sat on the birth ball moving through each wave. Cameron was great in making up his own hypnosis scripts and repeating the PEACE and RELAX cues and Jennie's hip squeeze made things so much more comfortable. When everything was set up Heather checked me and I was dilated to a 2. Feeling a little disappointed (everyone, including my midwife, thought I would be farther along), we went outside to walk around for a bit. In the middle of the night we walked laps around the parking lot for half an hour, then came back and I was checked again - dilated to a 3. By this point I was exhausted, having had no sleep, and decided to stay on the bed for a while. Cameron and I fell asleep and I think everyone else went to take naps in the other birthing suites, hoping my body would work its way open. By morning time I had moved to sleeping on the couch in the waiting area and my waves had slowed down to about 10-15 minutes apart. Jennie had gone back home to wait until things picked up again, and we decided we should too. 

Tuesday is a bit of a blur for me. Pressure waves continued, but not at consistent intervals. I took a shower, got in the bathtub a couple times, moved around the house, and we watched some Netflix for a distraction. All day long my mom and Cameron helped me through each wave and tried to get me to eat and drink, which was hard because I didn't feel like eating and when I did I felt nauseous. I think Jennie came at some point and then left again, but I honestly can't recall. When night came, I again couldn't sleep, although by this point we were all getting so tired there was definitely some nodding off in-between waves. Eventually waves did get closer together and at about 4am we headed to the birth center again. 

Coming back to the birth center in the middle of the night definitely had a sense of deja-vu to it. This time I was at 6cm - progress, but not quite enough. After laboring for a little while longer I agreed to have my water broken to see if we could help my body along. That definitely amped up the intensity of the pressure waves, and by this point I was so tired that I started having a few panicked moments where I doubted my ability to do this. During some waves I'd even break from my hypnosis cues and cry out in frustration. Since I knew water had helped before, I got into the tub and stayed there for the rest of the time. Poor Jennie and Cameron had their heads down on the side of the tub falling asleep in between waves and I'm pretty sure I drifted off a few times as well. 


Somewhere towards the end another assistant joined us, an older, grandmotherly type lady and I think she was my saving grace. I held her hands during waves and kept asking her questions about what my body was doing, trying to figure out how much longer I had to keep going. She helped me recognize I was close, probably going through transition, and that I would meet my baby soon. I think she gave me hope I wouldn't be in labor forever. I remember saying something like "I can't be one of those people who has to push for hours, I just can't!" When I started feeling more pressure below, Heather came in and checked me again. This time I was at a 9, but there was a lip of cervix had started to swell and wasn't fully dilating. I later learned that at this point Heather was concerned I could be a possible hospital transfer considering that as a first time my mom my baby was posterior (or so we'd recently found out - she hadn't been that way at my appointment a few days previous) and now my cervix was starting to swell, which was a problem because my body had started to push with every wave. I needed to relax during waves to let my body finish opening up and it was time to do anything we could to help my exhausted body do that. Heather suggested the nitrous oxide and I agreed. When a wave came I would take a breath from the mask and then try to breathe out the pressure instead of letting it build and push below. The laughing gas didn't change the intensity of what I was feeling, but I think it helped take the edge off so I could relax better. 

After about an hour of this, Heather came back to check on my progress and exclaimed "your baby is almost crowning! keep going!" That was a proud moment. We put away the laughing gas - it was go time! Now that I was allowed to give in to my body's urge to bare down, pushing was so relieving. Slowly but surely, baby came down the birth canal and I could reach down and feel her head starting to poke out with each wave. Her head kept poking out and going back in so we switched to the birth stool so

gravity could help get her out. On the birth stool I pushed with each wave as Cameron sat behind me to support me and we watched her head crown with the mirror Heather held up. Then with one final push out came her head and body in one swift motion at 7:38am on May 10 at 41 weeks (+2 days). I will never forget seeing my baby lie in front of me, looking up at me as the birth team helped her start breathing better. There she was, right there, outside of my body. I thought I would be one of those moms who cried, but instead I just sat there silently - stunned that it was finally all over. All 33 hours of it. 

We cut the cord after it stopped pulsing and my birth team helped me over to the bed where they placed baby on my chest, skin to skin. We snuggled under warm towels and blankets as I easily delivered the placenta and Heather gave me a few stitches for a tear I had. Then they left us alone to bond and get to know each other. Jennie did help me latch baby for the first time and she seemed a natural at it. After giving us an hour or two, Heather an her assistant came back to weight and measure baby - 6lb 12oz and 19.5in long. She was even quiet through the whole thing. A little while later my mom showed up and helped us get food and pack up ourselves and baby and we headed home around 12:30, just a few hours after she was born. I was nice to go home and rest in our own beds. 

At first, when I looked back on my birth experience I was a bit disappointed that it wasn't like the completely peaceful hypnobabies birth videos I'd watched; there was definitely no laying on the bed silent and still during each wave - I was moving and vocal and even broke my hypnosis a couple times. I reached out to my hypnobabies support group and told them what I was feeling. They reminded me that I was strong for going through a long labor and birthing naturally, that perhaps my need to move was because of baby's posterior position, and that moving around could have helped her get into place. Other moms related that they had similar experiences and I came to realize that "the birthing journey that I [was] on [was] the best one for me and my baby." Did I have my moments that I struggled? Sure. But hypnobabies helped me relax most of the time and gave me the tools to come back to hypnosis when I lost it. I also realized that even though it was hard, I remember feeling "intense pressure", not "pain". 

Later on her birth day I had someone ask me if birth had been a spiritual experiences as some describe. After a long pause I simply said that that wasn't quite the word I would use. I hadn't really slept in 3 days, crowning was probably the most uncomfortable thing I've ever experienced, and I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was now in charge of a small human child - spirituality wasn't exactly at the forefront of my mind. However, now that it's been a few days and I'm looking back, I can definitely say there is an element of spirituality, and certainly empowerment, at least in knowing what I did and having had a natural birth experience. "The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul" (Happiness, Your Heritage by Dieter F. Uchtdorf) and in giving birth I was partaking of my divine destiny to do so. If nothing else I can say that I did it! There were a few unexpected turns but I did indeed bring my daughter into this world. I pushed her out and felt every sensation of it. Overall, I believe I had the birth experience I was hoping for and every moment was completely worth it. 

Welcome to the world, Lyla Dunn! Welcome to the world. 

waiting for baby

Today is five days past my due date and we are still waiting for baby girl to decide it's time to join the world. It's a weird place to be - completely "ready" and just waiting for something to happen. I've heard all the jokes about running a race, or jumping on a trampoline, etc to get labor started, but in a sense I'm just content to wait and let her come when she's ready. I trust that my body and my baby know when the time is right. Babies are born on their birthdays, not when doctors or when due dates decide. Dates are only an estimation after all and studies have shown that even when conception is known and calculated correctly, gestation can vary amongst women by up to five weeks. These are all the things I remind myself, and yet waiting is still hard. 

This pregnancy has been pretty smooth going, certainly compared to many friends I know, and at this point I'm not even uncomfortable, I'm just tired and a bit tired of waiting. Tired of having nothing to do but wait. Tired of going another day without my little girl in my arms. Tired of people asking if I've had the baby yet (don't worry, I'll let you know!). We get so eager for the end and for that date they've given us to arrive that we don't put much thought into what happens if nature takes a little longer. 

Luckily, my midwives and birth center will let me go up to 43 weeks if need be, which is perfectly normal and safe. I know some that have imposed "deadlines" sooner than that. For me, I know there is no sound reason to induce, and I would rather not push eject before she's ready. We don't even check dilation and effacement because it says nothing about when my birthing time will truly begin. Statistically, most first time moms go over their due date anyways. 

And yet I still feel a little disappointed in what seems to be the lack of progress so far. I know there are plenty of mom's who have had to wait longer than me and I know that she will come eventually. But this is my and my baby's journey and these feelings are real. I'm feeling lost in the limbo between pregnancy and motherhood. I'm feeling a sense of loss for my old life and yet an eagerness to begin this new one. I'm feeling saddened every time I see another birth announcement that is not mine. I'm feeling vulnerable every time someone asks if baby is here yet and why I haven't gotten induced yet. I'm feeling like it will take forever before I get to hold my baby. And I'm even feeling guilty about feeling these things because I know my baby and I are healthy and all it will take is a little more time. 

I have no wrap up to this reflection; nothing to take away from it, or anything I've really learned. Mostly I just needed to write these things down to acknowledge that they are real. It's real to feel down and tired and impatient and to not have a solution or a happy ending yet. It's even real to shed a tear or two over it all. Sometimes that's just life and we need to be reminded of that.