the one question NOT to ask a mom

I get it, mamas of young kids are obsessed with sleep because that’s what babies do most of the time, but if I hear one more “how is she sleeping?” aka “does she sleep through the night yet?” I just might scream.

So here it goes: NO MY BABY DOES NOT SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT AND NO I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT NOR DO I NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO “FIX” IT. 

Got it? Babies wake up at night. This can happen at 4 months, 6 months, 10 months, 22 months, even my 274 months. Babies who don’t wake briefly at night are either sleep trained or unicorn anomalies. Or their mom might be lying to save face. Because in a culture obsessed with sleep training and mom shaming, we don't dare admit our babies aren’t perfect or the word-vomit of advice hurls itself at our ears. 

But I am admitting it so that doing so becomes normal. Here’s a few more things I’ll admit. I do not plan on sleep training. Even with night wakings I get enough sleep and feel well rested most of the time. I lay with my baby for naps. I don’t actually know how many times baby eats at night because I don’t get out of bed, I don’t look at the clock, and I don’t think it matters. I view sleep as developmental and night feeding as normal, therefore sleep is not something I worry about. 

I could turn this into an educational post with sources about what normal baby sleep actually looks like, but really I just needed to rant for a minute. So if your baby wakes at night and you feel alone, or like a failure, you’re not. 

Luckily there are social media groups that flock to reassure a mom who questions if she is doing everything wrong, but somehow in real life when people ask about sleep, even I tense up (though I’m probably rolling my eyes in my head). You see, I know that night wakings are normal, sleep crutches are natural, and self soothing is a myth, but many don’t. Maybe you even just read that and think I’m crazy or ill-informed. I want to reach out to every mom who wonders if they will ever stop rocking/nursing/waking etc. and let them know there are many more like them and this will end one day. There is no need to apologetically admit your baby is not conforming to adult-like routines and schedules. Babies will be babies. (Or not and if so I hope you consider yourself blessed). 

First time moms are especially vulnerable. It’s a huge adjustment and transition and you frequently feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. With time to obsess over every little thing, you often do. Time passes by sooo slowly sometimes and you wonder if you will be stuck in this stage forever. Advice is hard to filter and confidence is often lacking. I’ve heard that adding subsequent children can be easier in that you at least have more confidence and perspective and since kid #1 seems to be doing ok people tend to assume you know what you’re doing to some extent and don’t offer advice as often. 

So when you ask “how is your baby sleeping?” in an attempt to make conversation, the mom is likely debating what answer to give, worried to see how you’ll respond. Instead, let’s support young moms, admit that babies have weird sleep, and ask different questions. “What new thing is your baby doing lately?” or “What parts of his/her personality are you starting to see?” are great starters. 

just wait until you have 2 kids! Or 3! Or 4!

You know what phrase I'm tired of hearing? "Just wait..."

Pregnancy definitely comes with its share of sleeping troubles. Can't sleep on your stomach, not supposed to sleep on your back, surrounded by a million pillows, and getting up for the bathroom a few times a night. The struggle is real. And yet how times did you hear "just wait until you have the baby, then you really won't get any sleep!" Thanks? 

Then you finally give birth to your sweet babe and try to manage (well, survive really) taking care of your postpartum self and your newborn. You'll probably have some sort of struggles or worries and you'll realize that being a parent is hard work! When you reach out and talk to people about it, inevitably one of them will say, 'just wait till you have two kids!" What happens when you have two? They say "just wait until you have a whole nest of them!" Again, thanks? 

Imagine this scenario: big brother in middle school says to his elementary school aged little sister "you think subtraction is hard, just wait till you get to algebra!" Along comes oldest sister who says "you think algebra is hard, just wait till calculus hits you in the face!" Not helpful, right? It may be true that subtraction is harder than calculus, but that doesn't make subtraction any less frustrating for the little sister. For her, math is really hard right now and belittling her experience is not only not helpful, but it doesn't support her, let alone help her get better at subtraction. It just makes her feel bad and never want to talk about it ever again. So she shuts down and struggles alone. Totally not cool, right? So why do we do this to new moms? 

"When you have more you won't worry about how long she naps." 

"That's too early in the morning? You must have one kid." 

"Just keep her up! She'll be fine, you worry too much." 

"Just wait till you have a toddler AND a newborn." 

I've heard enough. 

All this calls for a lesson in empathy.

Not sympathy, empathy. Sympathy is saying "well that sucks!", empathy is saying "I know this is hard. I'm here for you." Sympathy says "at least you don't (insert worse scenario here)." Sympathy distances yourself from others problems, while empathy gets down there with them for support. Rarely can a response make things better. What makes things better is connection. 

How do you know you're not saying the wrong thing? Consider the Ring Theory. Imagine that our friends and acquaintances fit into a series of rings. The innermost circle is someone who is having a hard time, whatever that may be. The next ring going outward is their significant other. Then family, then close friends, other friends, acquaintances, etc. The person who's life sucks at the moment (the innermost ring) gets to say whatever they want to the outer circles, but everyone else needs to hold the advice and complaints and just give support. Likewise, the significant other can tell the people on larger circles how his life is hard, but to the center loved one? Only support. You can say whatever you want at long as you are talking to a larger circle than you sit on. Comfort in, dump out. 

All these examples and analogies are basically trying to say this: sometimes my life is hard for me and I would rather you acknowledge that (or heaven forbid, offer help), rather than send the message that it's not that bad and I should suck it up. Wouldn't you want the same? 

So the next time someone tells you about how their life is difficult (even if they are complaining), pause. Before you rush in with a story about YOUR life being hard or if you are tempted to say "JUST WAIT", remember how it feels to be in dark, simply longing for hope and support. An understanding smile, hug, or a simple "that is hard and I'm here to listen" goes a long way. 

an argument for attachment parenting

It turns out I've been practicing something called "attachment parenting" without even knowing it. Attachment parenting is not necessarily a method to follow, but rather a philosophy that guides how you parent your child. The idea is that you listen to and get to know your baby and let that knowledge guide how you respond. Instead of enforcing an arbitrary schedule, you follow cues and let baby take the lead. Building trust and love now with a young baby leads to easier to navigate parenting in the future.  As Dr Sears says it "You give a lot of yourself to your baby - your time, your energy, your commitment. But you get back a lot more in return. Parenting is like investing in an IRA. The more you put in your child in the early ears, the greater the later returns. If you work hard at the beginning, later on you can relax more and enjoy the fruits of your labors" (The Attachment Parenting Book).

But what about spoiling your baby or teaching them to be independent? What about having a feeding schedule or sleep training? Think of attachment parenting as the style many parents used instinctually, before all the baby trainers and sleep consultants started telling us we had no idea what we were doing (which we might not have, but we certainly knew our children's needs better than they did). While there are things you can do to encourage good habits and routines, for the most part independence will come with time, sleep is largely developmental, and you can't spoil a baby with too much love. Trust your baby, trust your instincts, and get support from friends and family who understand.

How do you implement attachment parenting? Taken from The Attachment Parenting Book by Dr. Sears, here are the "Baby B's" to follow. You may do as many (or as few) as you are willing and able. 

• Birth bonding: start early getting to know your baby! Skin to skin and limiting visitors in the early days help promote attachment when the instinct for mother and child to be close is strong. 
• Breastfeeding: This helps you get to know your baby as you learn to read her cues and body language. It also releases oxytocin which promotes bonding. 
• Baby wearing: Babies like to be near you and see what you're doing. Wearing your child means they are close, which leads to increased familiarity and attachment. Babies who are worn a lot fuss less than babies who are put down most of the day. 
• Bedding close to baby: Parenting doesn't stop at night. Whether you are  in the same room, co-sleeping, or bedsharing, being close can help baby sleep better, regulate their breathing, and teach them that nighttime isn't scary. 
• Belief in your baby's cry: A baby cries to communicate. Responding quickly and sensitively helps build trust. The parent-child bond grows as baby's learn to trust that their caregiver will respond and parents learn to trust their ability to respond to baby. Babies do not cry to manipulate you. 
• Beware of baby trainers: Be wary of those who tell you to watch the clock or a rigid schedule instead of your baby (I'm looking at you Cry It Out...). Such methods may "work" but it is a short term gain with a long term loss and ultimately distances you from becoming the expert on your child. 
• Balance and Boundaries: Babies need functional parents most of all so it is important to learn when you need say yes to baby and when you need to say yes to yourself and take a break.

Ultimately, it is up to you to parent as you see fit and to cater to each childs' needs, but above all, love and respect your children. They need you. 

I'm finally enjoying being a mom

Let me just say(write) it out loud: NEWBORNS ARE HARD. Sure, the first little while they sleep all day long and you can go anywhere with them in your carrier while they ignore the world, but then they wake up to their surroundings and don't know how to cope. 

For us (and Lyla), month two was the hardest. Suddenly she didn't go to sleep easily and I became housebound while I spent most of my day trying to get her to sleep, essentially by putting on a circus show of things. My arms and back ached from bouncing her and holding her for every nap and my soul felt like the weight of new motherhood had been suddenly dropped on my shoulders. Evenings were spent with a couple hours of crying/screaming till she was so exhausted she fell asleep. These were the days I cried the most, felt alone, and wondered if it would ever end. People said it would get better, but honestly I didn't know how I could believe them. 

Then we hit three months and she turned into more of a cute little human child and less of a crying fussy mess I had to endure. Now she could be awake for almost an hr! Now she would take 15-20mins to fall asleep instead of an hour! Now we could start to think about leaving the house and seeing other humans! Now she started rolling, singing, and playing with toys! 

Momming will never be easy, but no longer do I stare at the window praying for the day to end. We enjoy going on little errands together, rolling around on her play mat, and sitting outside watching the traffic go by. I still don't do much in the way of housework, and hobbies won't happen anytime soon, but I feel like I can breathe again. I feel a little bit more like myself (also helps that I'm no longer the bloated dairy cow I was after giving birth). I've always enjoyed my baby girl, but now I'm enjoying the day with her too. 

I used to glare at anyone who said it, but it does get better. It's ok if the newborn days weigh you down to your breaking point, like they did to me. It's ok if you just cry at everyones' advice because you know your baby better and right now it might just be hard no matter what. Cling to any source of hope and help you can. This too shall pass, I promise. 

"it gets easier." i hope.

*Disclaimer: I need to be real and candid right now because there have so many times when talking to people that I wasn't. I usually try to stay positive in my posts, but the reality is that I'm not always positive and some days just suck. I don't want people to take pity on me and I don't want to be seen as complaining, just real. We're doing ok, I promise, I just need to get a few things off my chest.*

I love when people ask about my baby and how we're doing. I agree when people comment on how she's so cute and she's gotten so big. But the narrative inside my head is completely different from what I tell them.

How's she doing? Things have gotten better, I'll say. And it's true! We no longer spend 2hrs trying to get her to sleep in the evening, there's less screaming and crying over all, and she has really happy smiley moments when she's awake. But what I don't say is that I still hold her for all her naps (approx. 5-6 hrs a day, sometimes as long as 3.5hrs at once) and often end up in bed with her by 7:30pm. I don't mention that I often get frustrated with the 45 mins it takes me to get her to sleep, only to have her wake up 20 minutes later. I also don't tell you that we never leave the house because 45 mins after she wakes up she's tired again which isn't much time to do anything other than feed us both, change a diaper, and maybe shower or have a bit of tummy time. You see, she no longer falls asleep in the car, stroller, sling, etc. The one way that works is bouncing on an exercise ball by a fan for white noise while making "shh"ing sounds. This set up is clearly not available at the store, at church, or even other people's houses. 

How's she sleeping? Is she sleeping through the night? No. She wakes up around 4 times. But to me, this is normal for a baby her age. It hardly phases me, honestly. We bedshare (following all safety guidelines) so it's easy to get her latched, eat for 10 minutes, and fall back asleep. What often is unintentionally implied in this question is that by asking about night sleep you assume day sleep is fine, when in fact that is my biggest struggle. Because I'm so protective of her day time naps, it's all I do. No housework, no errands, no friends, no hobbies. I've come to terms with it and accepted it as my motherly sacrifice to meet her needs, but it's still hard sometimes. 

She's gotten so big! Yes, I know. I've even said this to others about their babies. But what you're saying is "I haven't been with her every day so it seems to me like time has flown by and she's so much bigger than she was." Meanwhile, for me time passes slowly: some good days, lots of hard ones, and often wishing for times to pass quicker to when "it gets easier" as everyone promises. Because let's face it, motherhood is anything BUT easy. Totally worth it, but not easy. 

We're coming out of the fog of the "fourth trimester" and leaving her newborn days behind us, which honestly is a big relief. I recently realized that I must have been given this special high-needs girl because Heavenly Father knew that I would do everything I could to gently parent her as best I knew how. He knew I would give it my all to research what was best for her and put my wants on hold to give her everything she needs. He knew I could endure long days, achy arms, and tiring nights because she means that much to me. Because I know I am the perfect person to mother my baby, I soldier on. I look forward to easier days and imagine us playing in the park one day. It gets easier right? Right?! Please?

i've found the secret to parenting

As a new parent it's common to worry if you're doing things right. It's also common to get advice blasted at you from every corner. Therefore it's also easy to get swept up in all the advice and get confused, especially if any of that advice is conflicting. We want to do what's best for our babies and not set them up on any trajectories that will prove problematic later.

Enter the main parent worry: sleep. We'd like them to eventually sleep through the night, fall asleep on their own, and get good naps during the day. But newborns start with odd sleeping habits and schedules that if you don't know much about them can cause extra worry that you're not doing things right. Or as least it did for me. You see, my baby likes to sleep in my arms. For every nap and all through the night. We have to rock her to sleep (read: swaddle baby, bounce on the exercise ball next to a fan, while making shhhhing noises) every time and in the evening this often takes hours until she finally closes her eyes. BUT WAIT! Does this mean she will never nap outside my arms? Am I creating a bad habit? Will I ever have time to myself or to get things done? How will she learn if I always let her sleep on me? Etc. Etc. Etc. These were the thoughts that plagued me. I read sleep books, I looked at sleep forums, and all this made me even more concerned.

And then it dawned on me. The person who knows best how my baby should sleep is my baby. Newborns need to be coddled at every moment because they are born immature compared to every other creature and they need our help as parents to feel safe, fall asleep, and stay asleep. There is no possibility of spoiling a baby and no they are not capable of self soothing. So why stress?

Suddenly everything got easier. Do I get more done? Nope, I barely get anything done. Does she sleep outside my arms? Nope, but I trust the time will come when she is willing to do so. Now and then I give it a try to see if the time is right. Do I plan on sleep training? There will be no babies left to cry in this house, not even for a minute.

It's all about perspective and I'm choosing to change mine. I'm coming to terms with the reality of baby sleep and trading temporary "productivity" for snuggles with my little girl. I'd say it's more productive to foster a nurturing relationship and give my baby what she needs to feel happy and safe. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make even if there are moments I wish differently. I've realized I have a high-needs baby and that's ok (I'll just ignore all the unicorn babies who don't have sleep issues). She won't want to sleep on my lap forever (though sometimes I wonder) and one day I'll miss her tiny body nestled against mine.

My biggest piece of advice to new parents would be to follow your baby's lead and tend to his/her every need. Do your research, then listen to your gut, and ignore everybody who thinks they know what you should be doing. They don't because only your baby does. Once you realize this, stop stressing, and let go of the guilt. You will feel a lot better. Parenting itself may not get easier but it will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. I know I felt it. 

***

For those who also have high needs babies, or just need some support, I'd recommend reading this article on accepting the reality of infant and toddler sleep, this article on loving the "bad habit" of bed-sharing, and joining the Sleepy Littles group on Facebook. 

confession: today was hard. again.

Sometimes I love staying at home with my little Lyla-bug and cuddling with her on the couch as I read a new book and stare at her cute sleeping face. Today was not one of those days. Today I felt like a sleep deprived zombie wandering around the house waiting for time to pass. I'm not sure which was worse - wanting the day to quickly pass or wanting time to stop so another day wouldn't show up.

Today I prolonged getting out of bed because we were up almost every hour throughout the night. Today I was proud to get a shower, but then had to quickly dry off and nurse my hungry baby while I was still naked. Today I tried to follow the advice to "sleep when baby sleeps", but after only half an hour she woke up again. Today I stood at the window waiting for my husband to come home, knowing full well that even when he did baby would probably want to stay in my arms and attached at the breast. Today we stayed in pajamas because why bother?

I am grateful that most days I have an easy baby who doesn't cry much. I am grateful that so far my postpartum recovery has gone pretty smoothly. I am grateful we easily breastfeed with no problems. But that doesn't mean I'm grateful for today.

I sometimes feel guilty because I've managed to escape so many of the problems other moms have, yet it's still true that sometimes I want a break, I want to walk away, I want time with my husband and no baby, or I want to be able to get water or go to the bathroom when I need to without having to move a sleeping baby off of me first. People say it will get better, get easier, becomes less boring, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck in the hard times of now. And that's exactly how it feels - stuck.