this blog gets a makeover

You may have noticed I changed the title of this blog and gave it a new logo/header. Here's the explanation for why:

When I started this blog a year ago, I had no idea what I was doing. If we're honest I often still have no idea, but I at least now have a feel for the type of posts I write and messages I want to share. I originally named it "my blog without a title" because without knowing what I was going for yet I didn't have a more appropriate title. Now that I've composed more posts and found my voice and passion I thought it was time for a new title, thus "the minimalist mama bear".

"mama bear"

Everyone knows not to come between a mama bear and her cubs. Likewise it has become my passion and life mission to do right by my kids and if you get in the way you better believe I will get protective. A big part of this is the large amounts of research behind the parenting philosophies I hold and decisions I make. I’m all for “do what’s best for you and your kids” but that should also be backed up by credible research and current recommendations. I believe in going the extra mile to be the respectful and gentle parent they need, even if it means more effort and sacrifice on my part. Motherhood is more than just something I do, it's become who I am. I could never get passionate in school like others seemed to, even in my major, but it would seem that in being a mom I have quite literally found my calling in life and will give it my all. The mama instinct is strong and the bear in me is not afraid to rear its head to defend my practices and educate others. 


"the minimalist"
If a mama bear is who I am, than minimalism is the way I strive to live. Less is more and be intentional. Minimalism was always appealing, but once I learned that kids thrive when they are not burdened by hectic schedules and play rooms full of flashy toys, but can instead be free to play regularly and use their imagination (perhaps with a few open ended toys), I was sold. If I may borrow a Danish word, I also like the idea of hygge (pronounced hue-guh), which is a feeling of being present, conscious of the current moment. It's a way of life that promotes well-being through cozy contentment, which I believe is easy to do once we minimize the clutter surrounding us. I want to live a wholehearted life, which means minimizing the voices in my head and letting go of scarcity, comparison, self doubt, perfectionism, and caring what people think. I strive to live authentically, true to my truest self, by minimizing the walls we sometimes build around ourselves and instead embrace vulnerability. To me, minimalism is certainly a lack of clutter and possessions, but it is also a way to make the most of life. 

Since this blog has turned into a place for me to write about things I'm passionate about and feel prompted to share, there's a lot of writing about life plans, parenting, lifestyle, etc. So far the "mama bear" theme has rang loud and true, but I also hope to include more "minimalist"/intensional living posts in the future. Though this online space has only a few followers, I love that I have a place to write (something I love doing) and share the messages I feel strongly about. Because this space essentially embodies me in a series of posts I thought it only fitting that it be named after not only what I write about, but also who I am and how I try to live. 

I hope you keep following along as I keep sharing and maybe we can both learn a little something along the way. 

embracing minimalism

Perhaps you’ve heard about the minimalist movement. Maybe you’ve even read Marie Kondo’s The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up or searched for minimalist home decor on Pinterest. To many, that may seem like a nice idea, but is it actually achievable? Well, my house probably won't show up when you search for minimalist decor, but I have been making more of an effort to do more with less and keep only what I love. 

I’ve always been one to purge every now and then. Growing up I was always the saver and when I grocery shopped with my mom she tended to spend less money. But like most people I’ve also held on to many things for “sentimental reasons” and had a closet full of clothes I maybe wore half of, probably less. I’m not quite sure what exactly spurred the change, but recently I’ve been wholeheartedly embracing minimalism. Perhaps we can blame my parenting reading (like Simplicity Parenting, great read by the way) and finding that kids do more with less, or maybe I was tired of staring at a closet full of clothes that didn't work with my breastfeeding, post-baby body. Whatever it is, I’ve made it my goal to cut out the clutter and be more intentional with my purchases, energy, and focus. 

So far I’ve attacked my closet, the bathroom, and our closet under the stairs. I'm finally giving away or donating all the things we don’t use, don’t need, don’t love, and shouldn’t save “just in case”. IT FEELS LIBERATING. With fewer shoes and clothes, there’s less to wash and put away. With fewer boxes in the closet I can actually get to the holiday box frequently. Now I want to PURGE ALL THE THINGS as my husband teases. 

I also want to keep the "stuff" out. With Christmas coming up, this is definitely on my mind. During the holidays consumerism runs rampant and, honestly, it makes me exhausted (and I want to stay away from the crowds in the stores). We’ve never been the type to pile on the gifts, but now I’m being extra careful to buy only a few things and make sure it’s something that will be loved. I’m also trying to give more and find people to serve instead of focusing on my wishlist. For the future we won’t be bringing in lots of toys, but will instead ask for experiences or money in Lyla’s college fund. 

As we add to our family over the years, it quite likely things will get crazy. Kids come with mess, busy schedules, lots of taxi driving and they expect to have clean clothes and food to eat, all of which requires lots of background work. While much of this is necessary, I also don't want to hurry through it all just to make it to the next thing. I don't want to spend so much time cleaning up after them that I can't enjoy moments with them. I want to be able to encourage the carefree and free-play childhood they have a right to. I want to say goodbye to extra toys and hello to connection, imagination, and creativity. 

Click to Enlarge

Minimalism is more than just having less stuff. It’s also not a competition to see who can have the tiniest house or the most bare shelves in their cupboards. To me, minimalism is focusing less on things and more on people and relationships. It’s keeping only things I use and love. Meeting our needs but not living beyond our means. Everything having a place so we spend less time dealing with stuff and more time with each other. Minimalism means being intentional with gifts and items we do get. Focusing on needs and giving to others instead of fulfilling every want. Realizing the difference between mess (house can look lived in: not always clean, but easily picked up) and clutter (takes up brain space and increases anxiety). It's also about clearing the online clutter and unplugging every once in a while. Reducing schedules, commitments, and prioritizing. Anything that makes your brain breathe again. 

The goal is to reduce stress by simplifying life. That principle resonates with me a lot. I’ve already seen the benefits. There’s less time spent being overwhelmed by too many choices and more thought and research put into every purchase. There’s less on the to-do list and more time spent living each moment in the moment. 

Have you minimized any aspects of your life? Will you join me on this journey? What simple step will you focus on next? 

am I a bad mom if...

Moms of this day and age often turn not only to their family and friends, but also to Facebook groups for advice and supporting on all things parenting. And there seems to be a group for just about everything!  Pros of asking an online group include quick responses from those in the same situation, lots of solutions to your dilemma, and perhaps anonymous advice from those who don't know you and won't judge you (and if they do, no one needs that drama and get out!).

Yet there is one type of post I see in almost every group I'm in. It often starts off with "Am I a bad mom if...". Whether they are genuinely concerned or looking for attention, how sad is it that we doubt ourselves so often. We all have bad days and moments we aren't proud of but for the most part we try our hardest to do the best we know how to. 

I'm a firm believer in the fact that our children were born into our particular families for a reason. We may be far from perfect parents but you are the perfect mom-to-child fit for your babe. 

There is no shame in admitting you are wrong, or don't know something, or should have acted better. In fact there is great strength in reaching out and asking for help! But let us be kinder to ourselves. 

No, you are not a bad mom. Not even if you lost your temper, or regret today, or said something you shouldn't have. You are human and you are trying.  Kids may think mom has superpowers, but every mom knows what it's like to stare at herself in the mirror and wonder "am I enough?" 

Take a lesson from your precious little ones and love yourself no matter what. Even on bad days they are grateful to have a mom that loves them. You can try again tomorrow. 

I’ll never wear my wedding dress again

I recently saw someone talking about how they were depressed about not being able to fit in their wedding dress anymore and it got me thinking...

How many of you who are married tried to get in shape for your wedding? (Me! LGN anyone??). Personally, the summer before I got married I was in the best shape of my life. I dedicated hours each day to working out and dancing. As a result I weighed the least I’ve been in adulthood and had the lowest amount of body fat. 

Then life moved on. And I’m not sad about it. In fact, here are five reasons why I celebrate my married mom bod. 

1. Wedding bodies are an unrealistically high standard. Let’s be real, I will never be that tiny again. So why obsess over it? I’d rather set achievable goals I can feel good about. I can be happy with how I feel and look and it’s not based on fitting into one item of clothing. 
2. I focus on the present, not the past. I used to think back a lot but I found myself spending more time reminiscing and missing the good ol' days instead of enjoying the present. Don’t let precious moments pass you by because your gaze is turned backwards. 
3. I had a baby. This changes things. My hips are wider. My rib cage is wider. My tummy has a little pooch. My chest is bigger. I haven’t lost all the baby weight. Some of those things I like, some I don’t, some I’m indifferent about, but either way it’s a fact of life. I may eventually get a bit smaller but my body is forever altered and I love the reason why.
4. My body is not my own. It is my baby’s. It’s currently focused on feeding her the nutrients she needs to live. Even when I’m not breastfeeding anymore, I won’t have a whole summer to spend on myself. I’ll always take care of myself, but from now on I focus on my kids and what I can do for them. 
5. I focus on health. That should be the ultimate goal. Even weight means nothing when measurements and muscle mass can fluctuate widely while the number on the scale stays the same. I want to work out and eat right so that I can have energy, feel good, not get sick, and live longer.

Size is such a silly thing to get caught up on, and yet so many of us are stuck on exactly that. I look back to my high school days in particular and remember how obsessed I was with my weight, if I had a flat stomach, etc. Compared to now I was a stick, so I’m not sure why I thought otherwise, but ultimately my displeasure with my body was a symptom of something else - I didn’t love myself. Once I later came to accept myself and love me for me as a person (and not just how clothes fit), numbers on the scale didn’t matter as much anymore. 

Yes, sometimes I still get sad when I can no longer fit the clothes I used to, but for the most part I try to focus on positive things (purging old clothes helped too). Kids watch everything we do, whether we know it or not. If my little girl sees me criticizing myself and my body and obsessing over size, she might end up with a similar high school experience. I want my daughter to love herself and her body and that starts with me setting that example. 

So the wedding dress will simply remain a precious memory, and not a lofty standard to hang over my head. I’ll be happier and healthier that way. 

the one question NOT to ask a mom

I get it, mamas of young kids are obsessed with sleep because that’s what babies do most of the time, but if I hear one more “how is she sleeping?” aka “does she sleep through the night yet?” I just might scream.

So here it goes: NO MY BABY DOES NOT SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT AND NO I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT NOR DO I NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO “FIX” IT. 

Got it? Babies wake up at night. This can happen at 4 months, 6 months, 10 months, 22 months, even my 274 months. Babies who don’t wake briefly at night are either sleep trained or unicorn anomalies. Or their mom might be lying to save face. Because in a culture obsessed with sleep training and mom shaming, we don't dare admit our babies aren’t perfect or the word-vomit of advice hurls itself at our ears. 

But I am admitting it so that doing so becomes normal. Here’s a few more things I’ll admit. I do not plan on sleep training. Even with night wakings I get enough sleep and feel well rested most of the time. I lay with my baby for naps. I don’t actually know how many times baby eats at night because I don’t get out of bed, I don’t look at the clock, and I don’t think it matters. I view sleep as developmental and night feeding as normal, therefore sleep is not something I worry about. 

I could turn this into an educational post with sources about what normal baby sleep actually looks like, but really I just needed to rant for a minute. So if your baby wakes at night and you feel alone, or like a failure, you’re not. 

Luckily there are social media groups that flock to reassure a mom who questions if she is doing everything wrong, but somehow in real life when people ask about sleep, even I tense up (though I’m probably rolling my eyes in my head). You see, I know that night wakings are normal, sleep crutches are natural, and self soothing is a myth, but many don’t. Maybe you even just read that and think I’m crazy or ill-informed. I want to reach out to every mom who wonders if they will ever stop rocking/nursing/waking etc. and let them know there are many more like them and this will end one day. There is no need to apologetically admit your baby is not conforming to adult-like routines and schedules. Babies will be babies. (Or not and if so I hope you consider yourself blessed). 

First time moms are especially vulnerable. It’s a huge adjustment and transition and you frequently feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. With time to obsess over every little thing, you often do. Time passes by sooo slowly sometimes and you wonder if you will be stuck in this stage forever. Advice is hard to filter and confidence is often lacking. I’ve heard that adding subsequent children can be easier in that you at least have more confidence and perspective and since kid #1 seems to be doing ok people tend to assume you know what you’re doing to some extent and don’t offer advice as often. 

So when you ask “how is your baby sleeping?” in an attempt to make conversation, the mom is likely debating what answer to give, worried to see how you’ll respond. Instead, let’s support young moms, admit that babies have weird sleep, and ask different questions. “What new thing is your baby doing lately?” or “What parts of his/her personality are you starting to see?” are great starters. 

just wait until you have 2 kids! Or 3! Or 4!

You know what phrase I'm tired of hearing? "Just wait..."

Pregnancy definitely comes with its share of sleeping troubles. Can't sleep on your stomach, not supposed to sleep on your back, surrounded by a million pillows, and getting up for the bathroom a few times a night. The struggle is real. And yet how times did you hear "just wait until you have the baby, then you really won't get any sleep!" Thanks? 

Then you finally give birth to your sweet babe and try to manage (well, survive really) taking care of your postpartum self and your newborn. You'll probably have some sort of struggles or worries and you'll realize that being a parent is hard work! When you reach out and talk to people about it, inevitably one of them will say, 'just wait till you have two kids!" What happens when you have two? They say "just wait until you have a whole nest of them!" Again, thanks? 

Imagine this scenario: big brother in middle school says to his elementary school aged little sister "you think subtraction is hard, just wait till you get to algebra!" Along comes oldest sister who says "you think algebra is hard, just wait till calculus hits you in the face!" Not helpful, right? It may be true that subtraction is harder than calculus, but that doesn't make subtraction any less frustrating for the little sister. For her, math is really hard right now and belittling her experience is not only not helpful, but it doesn't support her, let alone help her get better at subtraction. It just makes her feel bad and never want to talk about it ever again. So she shuts down and struggles alone. Totally not cool, right? So why do we do this to new moms? 

"When you have more you won't worry about how long she naps." 

"That's too early in the morning? You must have one kid." 

"Just keep her up! She'll be fine, you worry too much." 

"Just wait till you have a toddler AND a newborn." 

I've heard enough. 

All this calls for a lesson in empathy.

Not sympathy, empathy. Sympathy is saying "well that sucks!", empathy is saying "I know this is hard. I'm here for you." Sympathy says "at least you don't (insert worse scenario here)." Sympathy distances yourself from others problems, while empathy gets down there with them for support. Rarely can a response make things better. What makes things better is connection. 

How do you know you're not saying the wrong thing? Consider the Ring Theory. Imagine that our friends and acquaintances fit into a series of rings. The innermost circle is someone who is having a hard time, whatever that may be. The next ring going outward is their significant other. Then family, then close friends, other friends, acquaintances, etc. The person who's life sucks at the moment (the innermost ring) gets to say whatever they want to the outer circles, but everyone else needs to hold the advice and complaints and just give support. Likewise, the significant other can tell the people on larger circles how his life is hard, but to the center loved one? Only support. You can say whatever you want at long as you are talking to a larger circle than you sit on. Comfort in, dump out. 

All these examples and analogies are basically trying to say this: sometimes my life is hard for me and I would rather you acknowledge that (or heaven forbid, offer help), rather than send the message that it's not that bad and I should suck it up. Wouldn't you want the same? 

So the next time someone tells you about how their life is difficult (even if they are complaining), pause. Before you rush in with a story about YOUR life being hard or if you are tempted to say "JUST WAIT", remember how it feels to be in dark, simply longing for hope and support. An understanding smile, hug, or a simple "that is hard and I'm here to listen" goes a long way. 

an argument for attachment parenting

It turns out I've been practicing something called "attachment parenting" without even knowing it. Attachment parenting is not necessarily a method to follow, but rather a philosophy that guides how you parent your child. The idea is that you listen to and get to know your baby and let that knowledge guide how you respond. Instead of enforcing an arbitrary schedule, you follow cues and let baby take the lead. Building trust and love now with a young baby leads to easier to navigate parenting in the future.  As Dr Sears says it "You give a lot of yourself to your baby - your time, your energy, your commitment. But you get back a lot more in return. Parenting is like investing in an IRA. The more you put in your child in the early ears, the greater the later returns. If you work hard at the beginning, later on you can relax more and enjoy the fruits of your labors" (The Attachment Parenting Book).

But what about spoiling your baby or teaching them to be independent? What about having a feeding schedule or sleep training? Think of attachment parenting as the style many parents used instinctually, before all the baby trainers and sleep consultants started telling us we had no idea what we were doing (which we might not have, but we certainly knew our children's needs better than they did). While there are things you can do to encourage good habits and routines, for the most part independence will come with time, sleep is largely developmental, and you can't spoil a baby with too much love. Trust your baby, trust your instincts, and get support from friends and family who understand.

How do you implement attachment parenting? Taken from The Attachment Parenting Book by Dr. Sears, here are the "Baby B's" to follow. You may do as many (or as few) as you are willing and able. 

• Birth bonding: start early getting to know your baby! Skin to skin and limiting visitors in the early days help promote attachment when the instinct for mother and child to be close is strong. 
• Breastfeeding: This helps you get to know your baby as you learn to read her cues and body language. It also releases oxytocin which promotes bonding. 
• Baby wearing: Babies like to be near you and see what you're doing. Wearing your child means they are close, which leads to increased familiarity and attachment. Babies who are worn a lot fuss less than babies who are put down most of the day. 
• Bedding close to baby: Parenting doesn't stop at night. Whether you are  in the same room, co-sleeping, or bedsharing, being close can help baby sleep better, regulate their breathing, and teach them that nighttime isn't scary. 
• Belief in your baby's cry: A baby cries to communicate. Responding quickly and sensitively helps build trust. The parent-child bond grows as baby's learn to trust that their caregiver will respond and parents learn to trust their ability to respond to baby. Babies do not cry to manipulate you. 
• Beware of baby trainers: Be wary of those who tell you to watch the clock or a rigid schedule instead of your baby (I'm looking at you Cry It Out...). Such methods may "work" but it is a short term gain with a long term loss and ultimately distances you from becoming the expert on your child. 
• Balance and Boundaries: Babies need functional parents most of all so it is important to learn when you need say yes to baby and when you need to say yes to yourself and take a break.

Ultimately, it is up to you to parent as you see fit and to cater to each childs' needs, but above all, love and respect your children. They need you.