baby’s first Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Christmas-time is always a favorite time of year and this year we were excited to involve Lyla in all our festivities and traditions. Also, #realtalk, I have so many cute baby Christmas pictures I just had to share. 

Dec 4th we started with my father-in-law's company family Christmas party - dinner and the Luminaria exhibit at Thanksgiving point. I was worried about Lyla staying warm and being up past her bedtime but she was totally enthralled, content, and then fell asleep on the way home (which NEVER happens). She met Santa for the first time and wasn’t quite sure what to think. 

Dec 16th was our ward Christmas party. Lyla had a grand old time joining in on the breakfast and this time meeting Santa was met with something of a smile! 

Dec 22nd and 23rd we started on some Christmas baking (cranberry orange scones, orange rolls, and cinnamon rolls) and went on our annual Christmas light ride. Lyla definitely likes Christmas lights. She’ll even eat them if they’re close. 

Christmas Eve we enjoyed our church Christmas program and Lyla made friends with the old ladies in the congregation with her smiles and babblings while I was up on the stand with the choir. I was proud that I got Lyla’s bow to stay in at least for one picture. That evening we went to the in-laws (Farfar and Farmor) for a nice dinner and treats. Lyla loved the roast and cinnamon apples. 

Christmas Day started dark and early at 6:30 when baby woke up. We opened stockings and presents before having a carb loaded breakfast of the rolls, Einstein bagels (including green chile and a snickerdoodle flavor!) ham, egg nog and juice. Considering I’m a minimalist and Lyla finds boxes, wrapping paper, and ribbons more interesting than actual toys we didn’t get her much of anything except for a baby toothbrush, beanie baby, and a loofah to play with. I’m grateful our parents aren’t large gifters either, so from them we got one toy, an outfit, and my family’s literal presence as we haven’t spent Christmas with them in 3 years and

plane tickets are pricey during the holidays. Yay family! We had a White Christmas and snow actually stuck to the ground for the first time this season so Lyla discovered snow and mostly wanted to eat it. We spent the afternoon and evening playing, visiting, and eating with my family, some cousins/aunts/uncles and my mom's parents. Way too many people at once for our little girl so we had to frequently step out for a break but we managed. Lyla was certainly loved and adored by all including my siblings, most of whom had yet to meet her in person. 

For us Christmas is all about Christ, family, traditions, and treats. We love spending time with family making memories that will last far longer than any item given. As our family grows it makes the season even more special. Merry Christmas Lyla! 

FTMs: no free time but we’re not busy

With a baby attached to me (quite literally this week as we’re in the middle of separation anxiety), nothing is quite so simple anymore. My schedule revolves around nap time, making dinner takes twice as long, and we don’t leave the house together past 6 because bedtime is at 7. Most hours of the day (and night) my time is not my own. “Me time”, when it happens, has a whole new meaning.

At the same time I'm not super busy. When a mom friend wants a play date the answer is “YES PLEASE WE HAVE NO PLANS!” There’s always the weekly grocery trip or library run, we try to keep up on laundry and sometimes vacuum, but other than that I sit on the floor while my baby explores the living room and I message my husband at work. Also I can’t be the only one who makes up errands for something to do. 

No I am not yet chasing a toddler, or helping kids with homework, or acting as taxi driver. My to do list has a few things on it, but it’s not a struggle to keep up with. I have no deadlines, due dates, or appointments. We love our daily routine and I’m a big fan of having lots of independent free play, but the reality is sometimes I want more. 

We think of new moms as busy - they’ve got their hands full so why bother them? And while it’s true our hands are full of wiggly baby, we want to be bothered. We want plans, friends, and things to do. We will work around nap time but we have plenty of time otherwise.

Are you home with a little one? Let's have a play date! Try to take the initiative to set up get togethers (or even a regular play group) in your area. Maybe others will follow. 

*Note: written 11/30, FTM = first time mom

we're skipping the baby food

introducing peanut butter in peanut pasta

Lyla is over 6 months old (7 months now) and that means solids! Yes, we waited till 6 months as is the current recommendation by most health organizations these days including the AAP and the WHO. Traditionally that means heading to the baby food aisle (or making your own), spoon-feeding your little one, and gradually introducing table foods, but we're skipping straight to table food! These days it's a movement called "Baby-Led Weaning" (UK definition of weaning aka the introduction of solids, not discontinuing breastfeeding as it often means in the US), but babies haven't always been spoon-fed.

Background 

chewing some bread from a reuben

What solid foods babies have been fed varies based on time period and location, but the wide spread use of store bought baby food jars can essentially be traced back to advertising starting in the 1920s. By the 1950s 90% of Americans fed their babies jarred baby food and by 2002 that number was 99% (click for source). But this wasn’t always the way it was done; in fact some older family members may recall they did indeed simply give baby some of what they were eating, only it wasn't called "baby-led weaning" it was just called feeding your baby. Baby-led weaning (BLW) challenges the myth that infants must start on diets of liquid mush and while there is NOTHING wrong with going the traditional weaning (TW)  route, this post will clearly be biased towards BLW. But what about the research? Is this a fad? I'll be the first to admit that evidence based research on BLW is scant to nonexistent. It just hasn't really been done. But what research has been done along with the anecdotal research from thousands who have done it show it is feasible for most infants and has many benefits (the only real con is baby can get messy). 

Why bother?

Picture credit: Baby Led Weaning for Beginners Facebook Grou

• Give control back to baby: Babies and toddlers instinctively know what foods their body needs nutrition wise and how much to eat. They will not overfeed themselves. They become self-sufficient and confident at feeding themselves when they are given the chance to do so.

  

  learning appropriate bite size

• Learning to chew first: Spoon-feeding bypasses the gag reflex to encourage them to swallow the pureed food. BLW teaches baby to chew food first before swallowing. By experimenting with how much to bite off they learn appropriate bite sizes and are at a lower risk for choking.
• Tastes and textures: Food before one year isn’t about getting large amounts into your baby, it’s about letting them explore food and all its tastes and textures. It's a great learning experience and they learn more about what food is like when it's in its true form. 
• Convenience: Say goodbye to an increased grocery budget (no need to buy jars), waiting to eat your cold food (you eat at the same time as baby), and specially prepared meals (they eat what you eat). Less to do, so there's less stress! 

So how does this work? Here are the basics:

Picture credit: Baby Led Weaning for Beginners Facebook Group

• Before you start: Babies must meet the following requirements: 6 months of age by date (adjusted if preemie), able to sit unassisted, loss of tongue thrust, interest in food, starting to develop the pincer grasp. 
• Baby eats what you eat: There are NO first foods and no specially prepared meals for your kiddo. The only things to avoid are honey in all forms and too much sodium (400mg per day for baby if you want to be specific). It's also best to eat (and therefore offer) a well balanced diet with lots of fruits and vegetables. 

  

  baby eats what we eat but in finger shapes

• Appropriate food sizes: All foods should be cut into finger lengths when possible. Small foods like rice or corn are fine as is and round foods like grapes, tomatoes, or baby carrots should be cut into quarters length-wise. Choking hazards like nuts and popcorn should be avoided. Once baby has mastered chewing and the pincer grasp (around 9-10m), food can be cut into bite sized pieces (but not itty bitty pieces). 

  

  trying cheese

• Offer milk first: Milk is the primary source of nutrition until a year old and feedings should not be reduced until then. Offer breastmilk/formula 30-60 minutes before meals. Up to 2oz of water a day offered at meal time is ok but no more.
• Baby feeds themselves: Only place food on tray for baby to grab themselves. Puree-like adult foods (think yogurt or applesauce) are fine as long as you put the preloaded spoon on the tray for baby to use. Never put food in baby's mouth or hand them something. They need to be in control. 
• DO NOT INTERFERE WHEN GAGGING: 

  

  gag face

  Gagging is a built in safety reflex for when big food gets too close to the wind pipe. It can be unnerving to watch a baby gag at first but they will work it out themselves. Interfering can cause choking. Choking is rare and is NOT the same as gagging. Often those not familiar with the difference will see a gagging baby, exclaim “she’s choking!”, and want to take the food out but that is incorrect and dangerous. Educate yourself to know the difference.

BUT WHAT ABOUT..??

• Choking: Is rare. Take an infant CPR class so you know what it looks like and what to do in case it happens. Remember, gagging and choking are NOT the same thing. 
• Allergy foods: There is no 3 day rule (that's outdated info) unless you have a history of family allergies (then work with your Dr. on how to introduce). Introduce everything at 6 months. Any reactions would likely be pretty obvious and immediate. 
• Teeth:

  

  no teeth needed!

  There are no teeth needed to eat real food. The back teeth used for chewing don't come in until 2yrs old and by then all kids are eating solid food. Baby gums are tough and meant for chewing.
• Doing both BLW and purees: This is a big no, sorry. Yes in TW you eventually start offering solid food but if you’re going the BLW route you need to be fully committed. Sometimes spoon-feeding can cause confusion about whether to chew or swallow first (choking risk!) and it defeats the whole point of letting baby do it themselves by trial and error. If you’ve done purees for a few months already it’s also best to continue the traditional route. 

Lyla makes some great faces

Lyla's experience

I admit, her first meal I was a little nervous and watched her like a hawk. She did gag a lot and even threw up but it didn’t seem to phase her, she just wanted more food! We’re now a few weeks in and she rarely gags and we know she is eating some things because her diapers have become rather exciting. I’m always sitting with her and modeling eating but I don’t watch her as intently anymore, I just enjoy my meal. Not all babies will go for food immediately but Lyla is definitely gung-ho about trying food and she loves being included in family meals. I’m also happy to have my lap and hands free so I can eat too! Food so far has been a chill, stress-free experience with 0 extra prep and only a few extra baths. We LOVE BLW and are so glad we went this route. If you want to know more, read Baby-Led Weaning by Gil Rapley or I'd be happy to answer any questions! 

new food means intense concentration

Lyla tries steak!

Working on her pincer grasp

trying egg with her first meal

this blog gets a makeover

You may have noticed I changed the title of this blog and gave it a new logo/header. Here's the explanation for why:

When I started this blog a year ago, I had no idea what I was doing. If we're honest I often still have no idea, but I at least now have a feel for the type of posts I write and messages I want to share. I originally named it "my blog without a title" because without knowing what I was going for yet I didn't have a more appropriate title. Now that I've composed more posts and found my voice and passion I thought it was time for a new title, thus "the minimalist mama bear".

"mama bear"

Everyone knows not to come between a mama bear and her cubs. Likewise it has become my passion and life mission to do right by my kids and if you get in the way you better believe I will get protective. A big part of this is the large amounts of research behind the parenting philosophies I hold and decisions I make. I’m all for “do what’s best for you and your kids” but that should also be backed up by credible research and current recommendations. I believe in going the extra mile to be the respectful and gentle parent they need, even if it means more effort and sacrifice on my part. Motherhood is more than just something I do, it's become who I am. I could never get passionate in school like others seemed to, even in my major, but it would seem that in being a mom I have quite literally found my calling in life and will give it my all. The mama instinct is strong and the bear in me is not afraid to rear its head to defend my practices and educate others. 


"the minimalist"
If a mama bear is who I am, than minimalism is the way I strive to live. Less is more and be intentional. Minimalism was always appealing, but once I learned that kids thrive when they are not burdened by hectic schedules and play rooms full of flashy toys, but can instead be free to play regularly and use their imagination (perhaps with a few open ended toys), I was sold. If I may borrow a Danish word, I also like the idea of hygge (pronounced hue-guh), which is a feeling of being present, conscious of the current moment. It's a way of life that promotes well-being through cozy contentment, which I believe is easy to do once we minimize the clutter surrounding us. I want to live a wholehearted life, which means minimizing the voices in my head and letting go of scarcity, comparison, self doubt, perfectionism, and caring what people think. I strive to live authentically, true to my truest self, by minimizing the walls we sometimes build around ourselves and instead embrace vulnerability. To me, minimalism is certainly a lack of clutter and possessions, but it is also a way to make the most of life. 

Since this blog has turned into a place for me to write about things I'm passionate about and feel prompted to share, there's a lot of writing about life plans, parenting, lifestyle, etc. So far the "mama bear" theme has rang loud and true, but I also hope to include more "minimalist"/intensional living posts in the future. Though this online space has only a few followers, I love that I have a place to write (something I love doing) and share the messages I feel strongly about. Because this space essentially embodies me in a series of posts I thought it only fitting that it be named after not only what I write about, but also who I am and how I try to live. 

I hope you keep following along as I keep sharing and maybe we can both learn a little something along the way. 

embracing minimalism

Perhaps you’ve heard about the minimalist movement. Maybe you’ve even read Marie Kondo’s The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up or searched for minimalist home decor on Pinterest. To many, that may seem like a nice idea, but is it actually achievable? Well, my house probably won't show up when you search for minimalist decor, but I have been making more of an effort to do more with less and keep only what I love. 

I’ve always been one to purge every now and then. Growing up I was always the saver and when I grocery shopped with my mom she tended to spend less money. But like most people I’ve also held on to many things for “sentimental reasons” and had a closet full of clothes I maybe wore half of, probably less. I’m not quite sure what exactly spurred the change, but recently I’ve been wholeheartedly embracing minimalism. Perhaps we can blame my parenting reading (like Simplicity Parenting, great read by the way) and finding that kids do more with less, or maybe I was tired of staring at a closet full of clothes that didn't work with my breastfeeding, post-baby body. Whatever it is, I’ve made it my goal to cut out the clutter and be more intentional with my purchases, energy, and focus. 

So far I’ve attacked my closet, the bathroom, and our closet under the stairs. I'm finally giving away or donating all the things we don’t use, don’t need, don’t love, and shouldn’t save “just in case”. IT FEELS LIBERATING. With fewer shoes and clothes, there’s less to wash and put away. With fewer boxes in the closet I can actually get to the holiday box frequently. Now I want to PURGE ALL THE THINGS as my husband teases. 

I also want to keep the "stuff" out. With Christmas coming up, this is definitely on my mind. During the holidays consumerism runs rampant and, honestly, it makes me exhausted (and I want to stay away from the crowds in the stores). We’ve never been the type to pile on the gifts, but now I’m being extra careful to buy only a few things and make sure it’s something that will be loved. I’m also trying to give more and find people to serve instead of focusing on my wishlist. For the future we won’t be bringing in lots of toys, but will instead ask for experiences or money in Lyla’s college fund. 

As we add to our family over the years, it quite likely things will get crazy. Kids come with mess, busy schedules, lots of taxi driving and they expect to have clean clothes and food to eat, all of which requires lots of background work. While much of this is necessary, I also don't want to hurry through it all just to make it to the next thing. I don't want to spend so much time cleaning up after them that I can't enjoy moments with them. I want to be able to encourage the carefree and free-play childhood they have a right to. I want to say goodbye to extra toys and hello to connection, imagination, and creativity. 

Click to Enlarge

Minimalism is more than just having less stuff. It’s also not a competition to see who can have the tiniest house or the most bare shelves in their cupboards. To me, minimalism is focusing less on things and more on people and relationships. It’s keeping only things I use and love. Meeting our needs but not living beyond our means. Everything having a place so we spend less time dealing with stuff and more time with each other. Minimalism means being intentional with gifts and items we do get. Focusing on needs and giving to others instead of fulfilling every want. Realizing the difference between mess (house can look lived in: not always clean, but easily picked up) and clutter (takes up brain space and increases anxiety). It's also about clearing the online clutter and unplugging every once in a while. Reducing schedules, commitments, and prioritizing. Anything that makes your brain breathe again. 

The goal is to reduce stress by simplifying life. That principle resonates with me a lot. I’ve already seen the benefits. There’s less time spent being overwhelmed by too many choices and more thought and research put into every purchase. There’s less on the to-do list and more time spent living each moment in the moment. 

Have you minimized any aspects of your life? Will you join me on this journey? What simple step will you focus on next? 

am I a bad mom if...

Moms of this day and age often turn not only to their family and friends, but also to Facebook groups for advice and supporting on all things parenting. And there seems to be a group for just about everything!  Pros of asking an online group include quick responses from those in the same situation, lots of solutions to your dilemma, and perhaps anonymous advice from those who don't know you and won't judge you (and if they do, no one needs that drama and get out!).

Yet there is one type of post I see in almost every group I'm in. It often starts off with "Am I a bad mom if...". Whether they are genuinely concerned or looking for attention, how sad is it that we doubt ourselves so often. We all have bad days and moments we aren't proud of but for the most part we try our hardest to do the best we know how to. 

I'm a firm believer in the fact that our children were born into our particular families for a reason. We may be far from perfect parents but you are the perfect mom-to-child fit for your babe. 

There is no shame in admitting you are wrong, or don't know something, or should have acted better. In fact there is great strength in reaching out and asking for help! But let us be kinder to ourselves. 

No, you are not a bad mom. Not even if you lost your temper, or regret today, or said something you shouldn't have. You are human and you are trying.  Kids may think mom has superpowers, but every mom knows what it's like to stare at herself in the mirror and wonder "am I enough?" 

Take a lesson from your precious little ones and love yourself no matter what. Even on bad days they are grateful to have a mom that loves them. You can try again tomorrow. 

I’ll never wear my wedding dress again

I recently saw someone talking about how they were depressed about not being able to fit in their wedding dress anymore and it got me thinking...

How many of you who are married tried to get in shape for your wedding? (Me! LGN anyone??). Personally, the summer before I got married I was in the best shape of my life. I dedicated hours each day to working out and dancing. As a result I weighed the least I’ve been in adulthood and had the lowest amount of body fat. 

Then life moved on. And I’m not sad about it. In fact, here are five reasons why I celebrate my married mom bod. 

1. Wedding bodies are an unrealistically high standard. Let’s be real, I will never be that tiny again. So why obsess over it? I’d rather set achievable goals I can feel good about. I can be happy with how I feel and look and it’s not based on fitting into one item of clothing. 
2. I focus on the present, not the past. I used to think back a lot but I found myself spending more time reminiscing and missing the good ol' days instead of enjoying the present. Don’t let precious moments pass you by because your gaze is turned backwards. 
3. I had a baby. This changes things. My hips are wider. My rib cage is wider. My tummy has a little pooch. My chest is bigger. I haven’t lost all the baby weight. Some of those things I like, some I don’t, some I’m indifferent about, but either way it’s a fact of life. I may eventually get a bit smaller but my body is forever altered and I love the reason why.
4. My body is not my own. It is my baby’s. It’s currently focused on feeding her the nutrients she needs to live. Even when I’m not breastfeeding anymore, I won’t have a whole summer to spend on myself. I’ll always take care of myself, but from now on I focus on my kids and what I can do for them. 
5. I focus on health. That should be the ultimate goal. Even weight means nothing when measurements and muscle mass can fluctuate widely while the number on the scale stays the same. I want to work out and eat right so that I can have energy, feel good, not get sick, and live longer.

Size is such a silly thing to get caught up on, and yet so many of us are stuck on exactly that. I look back to my high school days in particular and remember how obsessed I was with my weight, if I had a flat stomach, etc. Compared to now I was a stick, so I’m not sure why I thought otherwise, but ultimately my displeasure with my body was a symptom of something else - I didn’t love myself. Once I later came to accept myself and love me for me as a person (and not just how clothes fit), numbers on the scale didn’t matter as much anymore. 

Yes, sometimes I still get sad when I can no longer fit the clothes I used to, but for the most part I try to focus on positive things (purging old clothes helped too). Kids watch everything we do, whether we know it or not. If my little girl sees me criticizing myself and my body and obsessing over size, she might end up with a similar high school experience. I want my daughter to love herself and her body and that starts with me setting that example. 

So the wedding dress will simply remain a precious memory, and not a lofty standard to hang over my head. I’ll be happier and healthier that way. 

the one question NOT to ask a mom

I get it, mamas of young kids are obsessed with sleep because that’s what babies do most of the time, but if I hear one more “how is she sleeping?” aka “does she sleep through the night yet?” I just might scream.

So here it goes: NO MY BABY DOES NOT SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT AND NO I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT NOR DO I NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO “FIX” IT. 

Got it? Babies wake up at night. This can happen at 4 months, 6 months, 10 months, 22 months, even my 274 months. Babies who don’t wake briefly at night are either sleep trained or unicorn anomalies. Or their mom might be lying to save face. Because in a culture obsessed with sleep training and mom shaming, we don't dare admit our babies aren’t perfect or the word-vomit of advice hurls itself at our ears. 

But I am admitting it so that doing so becomes normal. Here’s a few more things I’ll admit. I do not plan on sleep training. Even with night wakings I get enough sleep and feel well rested most of the time. I lay with my baby for naps. I don’t actually know how many times baby eats at night because I don’t get out of bed, I don’t look at the clock, and I don’t think it matters. I view sleep as developmental and night feeding as normal, therefore sleep is not something I worry about. 

I could turn this into an educational post with sources about what normal baby sleep actually looks like, but really I just needed to rant for a minute. So if your baby wakes at night and you feel alone, or like a failure, you’re not. 

Luckily there are social media groups that flock to reassure a mom who questions if she is doing everything wrong, but somehow in real life when people ask about sleep, even I tense up (though I’m probably rolling my eyes in my head). You see, I know that night wakings are normal, sleep crutches are natural, and self soothing is a myth, but many don’t. Maybe you even just read that and think I’m crazy or ill-informed. I want to reach out to every mom who wonders if they will ever stop rocking/nursing/waking etc. and let them know there are many more like them and this will end one day. There is no need to apologetically admit your baby is not conforming to adult-like routines and schedules. Babies will be babies. (Or not and if so I hope you consider yourself blessed). 

First time moms are especially vulnerable. It’s a huge adjustment and transition and you frequently feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. With time to obsess over every little thing, you often do. Time passes by sooo slowly sometimes and you wonder if you will be stuck in this stage forever. Advice is hard to filter and confidence is often lacking. I’ve heard that adding subsequent children can be easier in that you at least have more confidence and perspective and since kid #1 seems to be doing ok people tend to assume you know what you’re doing to some extent and don’t offer advice as often. 

So when you ask “how is your baby sleeping?” in an attempt to make conversation, the mom is likely debating what answer to give, worried to see how you’ll respond. Instead, let’s support young moms, admit that babies have weird sleep, and ask different questions. “What new thing is your baby doing lately?” or “What parts of his/her personality are you starting to see?” are great starters. 

just wait until you have 2 kids! Or 3! Or 4!

You know what phrase I'm tired of hearing? "Just wait..."

Pregnancy definitely comes with its share of sleeping troubles. Can't sleep on your stomach, not supposed to sleep on your back, surrounded by a million pillows, and getting up for the bathroom a few times a night. The struggle is real. And yet how times did you hear "just wait until you have the baby, then you really won't get any sleep!" Thanks? 

Then you finally give birth to your sweet babe and try to manage (well, survive really) taking care of your postpartum self and your newborn. You'll probably have some sort of struggles or worries and you'll realize that being a parent is hard work! When you reach out and talk to people about it, inevitably one of them will say, 'just wait till you have two kids!" What happens when you have two? They say "just wait until you have a whole nest of them!" Again, thanks? 

Imagine this scenario: big brother in middle school says to his elementary school aged little sister "you think subtraction is hard, just wait till you get to algebra!" Along comes oldest sister who says "you think algebra is hard, just wait till calculus hits you in the face!" Not helpful, right? It may be true that subtraction is harder than calculus, but that doesn't make subtraction any less frustrating for the little sister. For her, math is really hard right now and belittling her experience is not only not helpful, but it doesn't support her, let alone help her get better at subtraction. It just makes her feel bad and never want to talk about it ever again. So she shuts down and struggles alone. Totally not cool, right? So why do we do this to new moms? 

"When you have more you won't worry about how long she naps." 

"That's too early in the morning? You must have one kid." 

"Just keep her up! She'll be fine, you worry too much." 

"Just wait till you have a toddler AND a newborn." 

I've heard enough. 

All this calls for a lesson in empathy.

Not sympathy, empathy. Sympathy is saying "well that sucks!", empathy is saying "I know this is hard. I'm here for you." Sympathy says "at least you don't (insert worse scenario here)." Sympathy distances yourself from others problems, while empathy gets down there with them for support. Rarely can a response make things better. What makes things better is connection. 

How do you know you're not saying the wrong thing? Consider the Ring Theory. Imagine that our friends and acquaintances fit into a series of rings. The innermost circle is someone who is having a hard time, whatever that may be. The next ring going outward is their significant other. Then family, then close friends, other friends, acquaintances, etc. The person who's life sucks at the moment (the innermost ring) gets to say whatever they want to the outer circles, but everyone else needs to hold the advice and complaints and just give support. Likewise, the significant other can tell the people on larger circles how his life is hard, but to the center loved one? Only support. You can say whatever you want at long as you are talking to a larger circle than you sit on. Comfort in, dump out. 

All these examples and analogies are basically trying to say this: sometimes my life is hard for me and I would rather you acknowledge that (or heaven forbid, offer help), rather than send the message that it's not that bad and I should suck it up. Wouldn't you want the same? 

So the next time someone tells you about how their life is difficult (even if they are complaining), pause. Before you rush in with a story about YOUR life being hard or if you are tempted to say "JUST WAIT", remember how it feels to be in dark, simply longing for hope and support. An understanding smile, hug, or a simple "that is hard and I'm here to listen" goes a long way. 

an argument for attachment parenting

It turns out I've been practicing something called "attachment parenting" without even knowing it. Attachment parenting is not necessarily a method to follow, but rather a philosophy that guides how you parent your child. The idea is that you listen to and get to know your baby and let that knowledge guide how you respond. Instead of enforcing an arbitrary schedule, you follow cues and let baby take the lead. Building trust and love now with a young baby leads to easier to navigate parenting in the future.  As Dr Sears says it "You give a lot of yourself to your baby - your time, your energy, your commitment. But you get back a lot more in return. Parenting is like investing in an IRA. The more you put in your child in the early ears, the greater the later returns. If you work hard at the beginning, later on you can relax more and enjoy the fruits of your labors" (The Attachment Parenting Book).

But what about spoiling your baby or teaching them to be independent? What about having a feeding schedule or sleep training? Think of attachment parenting as the style many parents used instinctually, before all the baby trainers and sleep consultants started telling us we had no idea what we were doing (which we might not have, but we certainly knew our children's needs better than they did). While there are things you can do to encourage good habits and routines, for the most part independence will come with time, sleep is largely developmental, and you can't spoil a baby with too much love. Trust your baby, trust your instincts, and get support from friends and family who understand.

How do you implement attachment parenting? Taken from The Attachment Parenting Book by Dr. Sears, here are the "Baby B's" to follow. You may do as many (or as few) as you are willing and able. 

• Birth bonding: start early getting to know your baby! Skin to skin and limiting visitors in the early days help promote attachment when the instinct for mother and child to be close is strong. 
• Breastfeeding: This helps you get to know your baby as you learn to read her cues and body language. It also releases oxytocin which promotes bonding. 
• Baby wearing: Babies like to be near you and see what you're doing. Wearing your child means they are close, which leads to increased familiarity and attachment. Babies who are worn a lot fuss less than babies who are put down most of the day. 
• Bedding close to baby: Parenting doesn't stop at night. Whether you are  in the same room, co-sleeping, or bedsharing, being close can help baby sleep better, regulate their breathing, and teach them that nighttime isn't scary. 
• Belief in your baby's cry: A baby cries to communicate. Responding quickly and sensitively helps build trust. The parent-child bond grows as baby's learn to trust that their caregiver will respond and parents learn to trust their ability to respond to baby. Babies do not cry to manipulate you. 
• Beware of baby trainers: Be wary of those who tell you to watch the clock or a rigid schedule instead of your baby (I'm looking at you Cry It Out...). Such methods may "work" but it is a short term gain with a long term loss and ultimately distances you from becoming the expert on your child. 
• Balance and Boundaries: Babies need functional parents most of all so it is important to learn when you need say yes to baby and when you need to say yes to yourself and take a break.

Ultimately, it is up to you to parent as you see fit and to cater to each childs' needs, but above all, love and respect your children. They need you. 

I'm finally enjoying being a mom

Let me just say(write) it out loud: NEWBORNS ARE HARD. Sure, the first little while they sleep all day long and you can go anywhere with them in your carrier while they ignore the world, but then they wake up to their surroundings and don't know how to cope. 

For us (and Lyla), month two was the hardest. Suddenly she didn't go to sleep easily and I became housebound while I spent most of my day trying to get her to sleep, essentially by putting on a circus show of things. My arms and back ached from bouncing her and holding her for every nap and my soul felt like the weight of new motherhood had been suddenly dropped on my shoulders. Evenings were spent with a couple hours of crying/screaming till she was so exhausted she fell asleep. These were the days I cried the most, felt alone, and wondered if it would ever end. People said it would get better, but honestly I didn't know how I could believe them. 

Then we hit three months and she turned into more of a cute little human child and less of a crying fussy mess I had to endure. Now she could be awake for almost an hr! Now she would take 15-20mins to fall asleep instead of an hour! Now we could start to think about leaving the house and seeing other humans! Now she started rolling, singing, and playing with toys! 

Momming will never be easy, but no longer do I stare at the window praying for the day to end. We enjoy going on little errands together, rolling around on her play mat, and sitting outside watching the traffic go by. I still don't do much in the way of housework, and hobbies won't happen anytime soon, but I feel like I can breathe again. I feel a little bit more like myself (also helps that I'm no longer the bloated dairy cow I was after giving birth). I've always enjoyed my baby girl, but now I'm enjoying the day with her too. 

I used to glare at anyone who said it, but it does get better. It's ok if the newborn days weigh you down to your breaking point, like they did to me. It's ok if you just cry at everyones' advice because you know your baby better and right now it might just be hard no matter what. Cling to any source of hope and help you can. This too shall pass, I promise. 

"it gets easier." i hope.

*Disclaimer: I need to be real and candid right now because there have so many times when talking to people that I wasn't. I usually try to stay positive in my posts, but the reality is that I'm not always positive and some days just suck. I don't want people to take pity on me and I don't want to be seen as complaining, just real. We're doing ok, I promise, I just need to get a few things off my chest.*

I love when people ask about my baby and how we're doing. I agree when people comment on how she's so cute and she's gotten so big. But the narrative inside my head is completely different from what I tell them.

How's she doing? Things have gotten better, I'll say. And it's true! We no longer spend 2hrs trying to get her to sleep in the evening, there's less screaming and crying over all, and she has really happy smiley moments when she's awake. But what I don't say is that I still hold her for all her naps (approx. 5-6 hrs a day, sometimes as long as 3.5hrs at once) and often end up in bed with her by 7:30pm. I don't mention that I often get frustrated with the 45 mins it takes me to get her to sleep, only to have her wake up 20 minutes later. I also don't tell you that we never leave the house because 45 mins after she wakes up she's tired again which isn't much time to do anything other than feed us both, change a diaper, and maybe shower or have a bit of tummy time. You see, she no longer falls asleep in the car, stroller, sling, etc. The one way that works is bouncing on an exercise ball by a fan for white noise while making "shh"ing sounds. This set up is clearly not available at the store, at church, or even other people's houses. 

How's she sleeping? Is she sleeping through the night? No. She wakes up around 4 times. But to me, this is normal for a baby her age. It hardly phases me, honestly. We bedshare (following all safety guidelines) so it's easy to get her latched, eat for 10 minutes, and fall back asleep. What often is unintentionally implied in this question is that by asking about night sleep you assume day sleep is fine, when in fact that is my biggest struggle. Because I'm so protective of her day time naps, it's all I do. No housework, no errands, no friends, no hobbies. I've come to terms with it and accepted it as my motherly sacrifice to meet her needs, but it's still hard sometimes. 

She's gotten so big! Yes, I know. I've even said this to others about their babies. But what you're saying is "I haven't been with her every day so it seems to me like time has flown by and she's so much bigger than she was." Meanwhile, for me time passes slowly: some good days, lots of hard ones, and often wishing for times to pass quicker to when "it gets easier" as everyone promises. Because let's face it, motherhood is anything BUT easy. Totally worth it, but not easy. 

We're coming out of the fog of the "fourth trimester" and leaving her newborn days behind us, which honestly is a big relief. I recently realized that I must have been given this special high-needs girl because Heavenly Father knew that I would do everything I could to gently parent her as best I knew how. He knew I would give it my all to research what was best for her and put my wants on hold to give her everything she needs. He knew I could endure long days, achy arms, and tiring nights because she means that much to me. Because I know I am the perfect person to mother my baby, I soldier on. I look forward to easier days and imagine us playing in the park one day. It gets easier right? Right?! Please?

i've found the secret to parenting

As a new parent it's common to worry if you're doing things right. It's also common to get advice blasted at you from every corner. Therefore it's also easy to get swept up in all the advice and get confused, especially if any of that advice is conflicting. We want to do what's best for our babies and not set them up on any trajectories that will prove problematic later.

Enter the main parent worry: sleep. We'd like them to eventually sleep through the night, fall asleep on their own, and get good naps during the day. But newborns start with odd sleeping habits and schedules that if you don't know much about them can cause extra worry that you're not doing things right. Or as least it did for me. You see, my baby likes to sleep in my arms. For every nap and all through the night. We have to rock her to sleep (read: swaddle baby, bounce on the exercise ball next to a fan, while making shhhhing noises) every time and in the evening this often takes hours until she finally closes her eyes. BUT WAIT! Does this mean she will never nap outside my arms? Am I creating a bad habit? Will I ever have time to myself or to get things done? How will she learn if I always let her sleep on me? Etc. Etc. Etc. These were the thoughts that plagued me. I read sleep books, I looked at sleep forums, and all this made me even more concerned.

And then it dawned on me. The person who knows best how my baby should sleep is my baby. Newborns need to be coddled at every moment because they are born immature compared to every other creature and they need our help as parents to feel safe, fall asleep, and stay asleep. There is no possibility of spoiling a baby and no they are not capable of self soothing. So why stress?

Suddenly everything got easier. Do I get more done? Nope, I barely get anything done. Does she sleep outside my arms? Nope, but I trust the time will come when she is willing to do so. Now and then I give it a try to see if the time is right. Do I plan on sleep training? There will be no babies left to cry in this house, not even for a minute.

It's all about perspective and I'm choosing to change mine. I'm coming to terms with the reality of baby sleep and trading temporary "productivity" for snuggles with my little girl. I'd say it's more productive to foster a nurturing relationship and give my baby what she needs to feel happy and safe. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make even if there are moments I wish differently. I've realized I have a high-needs baby and that's ok (I'll just ignore all the unicorn babies who don't have sleep issues). She won't want to sleep on my lap forever (though sometimes I wonder) and one day I'll miss her tiny body nestled against mine.

My biggest piece of advice to new parents would be to follow your baby's lead and tend to his/her every need. Do your research, then listen to your gut, and ignore everybody who thinks they know what you should be doing. They don't because only your baby does. Once you realize this, stop stressing, and let go of the guilt. You will feel a lot better. Parenting itself may not get easier but it will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. I know I felt it. 

***

For those who also have high needs babies, or just need some support, I'd recommend reading this article on accepting the reality of infant and toddler sleep, this article on loving the "bad habit" of bed-sharing, and joining the Sleepy Littles group on Facebook. 

confession: today was hard. again.

Sometimes I love staying at home with my little Lyla-bug and cuddling with her on the couch as I read a new book and stare at her cute sleeping face. Today was not one of those days. Today I felt like a sleep deprived zombie wandering around the house waiting for time to pass. I'm not sure which was worse - wanting the day to quickly pass or wanting time to stop so another day wouldn't show up.

Today I prolonged getting out of bed because we were up almost every hour throughout the night. Today I was proud to get a shower, but then had to quickly dry off and nurse my hungry baby while I was still naked. Today I tried to follow the advice to "sleep when baby sleeps", but after only half an hour she woke up again. Today I stood at the window waiting for my husband to come home, knowing full well that even when he did baby would probably want to stay in my arms and attached at the breast. Today we stayed in pajamas because why bother?

I am grateful that most days I have an easy baby who doesn't cry much. I am grateful that so far my postpartum recovery has gone pretty smoothly. I am grateful we easily breastfeed with no problems. But that doesn't mean I'm grateful for today.

I sometimes feel guilty because I've managed to escape so many of the problems other moms have, yet it's still true that sometimes I want a break, I want to walk away, I want time with my husband and no baby, or I want to be able to get water or go to the bathroom when I need to without having to move a sleeping baby off of me first. People say it will get better, get easier, becomes less boring, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck in the hard times of now. And that's exactly how it feels - stuck.